A Day In The Life Of A Cancer Surviving Millennial

I have been stuck in a pensive state. Everything I do flows at a glacial pace. Waking up in the morning takes an hour longer than usual. I lay in bed drawing in long breaths. I slowly trace all of the curvatures and scars of my body. This is time I spend learning about new bumps, freckles, and wrinkles on my skin. No matter how much I think I know about my body, I seem to learn something new about myself every time. My senses take more time to take in information. I react a lot slower to the phone ringing or a knock at the door. Every step I take is carefully meditated. I plan exactly where each toe will land on the cold ground. Randomly I will pause and take in my surroundings. Sometimes I will look at something that I see every day and see it with new eyes. I overthink what I am going to say. I plan conversations in my head, making sure that I have a response to any variety of directions the conversation may go. Every now and then I will think about my future. I get l...

This year went by so freaking fast. It was a whirlwind of events and emotions. I am thankful for 2016, but in all the ways you wouldn't think. Don't get me wrong 2016 was fucked in a lot of ways! However, I might just be in a place where I can reflect on it and grow.. Thank you 2016 for showing me how ready I was to leave school. After failing so many times at something that I thought I really wanted, I finally saw that school isn't for everyone. Especially not for me. (at least for now) With that decision I made it to the Utah Pride Center. I had a new amount of time on my hands and I chose to spend it volunteering. That one choice eventually landed me a job. In april I was finally hired at UPC and I found my dream job. Yes it is a non-profit. Yes it is hard to support myself (especially at the end of the year). Yes I learn every time I set foot in that building. AND YES I feel like I am making a small difference. Thank you 2016 for fucking me over both times I applied...

     Today I had an appointment with my fertility doctor. I scheduled the appointment about a month ago just to check in and make sure I'm doing everything I can to replace the hormones that my body no longer creates due to all of my treatment. The idea is to replace the hormones to improve my bone density. It is known that once a woman goes through menopause and stops creating estrogen, there is an increased risk of osteoporosis. Since I went through a similar experience with the loss of my estrogen, we are trying to improve the damage that is already done. I already have osteoporosis and osteonecrosis and I have my whole life ahead of me. Hopefully in about 18 months we will be able to see if my bone density has improved with a Dexascan. Another side effect of the chemo and prednisone was ovarian failure. A while back I met with my doctor to do a final test to see if I had any eggs that could be salvaged or if I had any left at all. The results were not surprising...

If I close my eyes and go back to exactly 8 years ago I find myself lying in a hospital bed surrounded by all of my closest friends from high school. I see flowers on every surface in my small Primary Children's hospital room. I am attatched to all kinds of monitors and IV's. There is a nurse who comes in to check on me and asks me how my pain is and if I need anything. There are so many questions. My questions, my friends' questions, and my parents' questions. Nobody really knows what is happening. We just know that right here right now we are at a hospital waiting for some test results. We know that last night I was at dance and my femur snapped. We know that it takes extreme impact for a femur to just 'snap'. We know that I have had horrible pain in my leg for the last year. We think we ruled out a tumor just because we saw an orthopedic specialist only a month ago, and he said everything looked fine and I was just having growing pains. Most importantly we kn...

What is this four letter word?  Why does it exist? How can four little letters hold so much weight?  Why can the same word mean extreme happiness and extreme sadness all at once?  How do these four letters have the power to shape our lives and change the directions in which we are traveling?  How come everyone experiences this word in completely different ways?  How do we make it last?  Some people have it forever and others never get to experience it in its truest form.  art by: Agnes Cecil 

Hello fellow humans. Just so I don't jump into some serious news right away, I will update you on what I am thankful for in this very moment.. I thankful for my family. I am thankful for my loving and generous friends. I am thankful for the roof over my head. (wether it be in PC or SLC) I am thankful for my four-legged loves, both pokey and soft. (Frankie and Lottie) I am thankful for my education. I am thankful for my dream job. (I love you UPC) I am thankful for an amazing land lady whom I get along with VERY well. I am thankful for my sisters. (biological) I am thankful for my sisters. (kappa kappa gamma) I am thankful for my survival. I am thankful for my medical team. I am thankful for my residency. I am thankful for my nationality.                and... I am thankful to be in stable place in my life where I can confidently conquer the current obstacle I am facing.      The last month has been...

Hello and welcome to one of my very good days! I woke up to one of my best friends and my kitty. Does that not merit the biggest thank you to the universe?? Last night I got to spend time with one of my favorite Kappas, Deborah (also known as lil' Debz) She made an amazing healthy dinner and we sat outside soaking up the sumer evening. After that we went to my new place and watched the movie JOY. It was an alright movie, nothing to brag about. The best part was sprawling out with a box of blueberries, a huge fan, my crack-head kitty, and my debz. Even though poor Deborah had to patiently help my up the stairs to my apartment, it was the most independent I have felt in very long time. For once I felt like I was pushing myself to do the little things I usually ask for help with. It might just be the kick of my early iced, soy, latte, with two raw sugars, but I am happier than I have been in a very long time. After I dropped Debz off at home t...

Have you ever experienced something so horrible that you block it out for good? Something so traumatizing that you put the memory in a little box, inside of a bigger box, inside of an even bigger box, lock it with every mental deadbolt you can find and then light it on fire? Something so damaging that just a familiar smell or sound will throw you into a panic stricken, anxiety attack? Have you ever had a dream of your horrible trauma, that in your sleep manages to paralyze you into a world of remembrance? A world where there is no escaping the horror that you have already once lived? Have you ever lied to yourself profoundly, so that one day you will believe your own lies? Do you ever have flashbacks strong enough to relive a moment for several days in a row that drives you into a dark hole that is nearly impossible to climb out of?                                   ...

Jeeze! Talk about writers block, I have just spent 15 minutes staring at the screen not knowing how to even start this post. I stopped writing for a bit. Not for any particular reason, I just never pushed myself to write. For a while I figured no one was really reading any of this anyway, so why write? WRONGO! Although I have been keeping up on actual paper, I feel like it's still important for me to write on my blog. If not for someone to read it, for my sanity. Since the last time I posted I have been going through a good patch. Life has been good to me, my body has been behaving and so have my legs (for the most part). After the new year I moved back into my little Hobbit House. No matter how hard it is to live on my own, it is so worth it. I love being in my own private space where I can do anything that I like, whenever I want. Don't get me wrong being home for the holidays was nice and I had fun. It's just too much sometimes and I loose a lot of my Independence. Livin...

This morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up too early to actually do anything and too late to fall back asleep. I couldn't pinpoint my what I was feeling and thinking. Part of me was thinking about the horrors in Paris and around the world and the othr part of me was scolding myself for doing nothing productive since I got out of the hospital. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my struggles and pains and weighing them, trying to compare to other's suffering and hardships. When I think in small terms I feel as though I have been through the hardest thing in the world. Not just once but twice. Although when I visualize the larger picture, my suffering is very insegnificant compared to some of the obstacles of my neighbors'. I have no Idea why this world works the way it does but you have to admit there are some really shitty things going on. The truth is you cannot measure hardships. What I deal with may seem impossible to someone else but it might seem impos...

Clearly I have had a lot of ups and downs since my last post because I am not really on that same exact path anymore. I'm definitley "on the map," but things have changed a bit. Today I relieved myself from one of my biggest burdens. It is a burden because it looks inviting and necessary in order to have a future, but it turns out paralyzing me with anxiety and stress. As someone who has defeated the grim reaper more than once, I have learned how to decide what is good for me and what isn't. In this case what isn't good for me is school. I have wanted to graduate college for five years now. It has been a goal that has consumed me. As much as I value education, it has slowly torn away at my sanity. Not only because my mind won't let me concentrate but also because every time I try to succeed in school I end up in the hospital with with some kind of surgery. Literally every semester. Since the beginning of the semseter I have woken up with extreme anxiety ab...

    For the last month or so I have had 1 song stuck in my head. I hear it when I sleep, eat, read, socialize, breathe, etc. The song is called 'Back On The Map' by Kacey Musgraves. Not only do I hear this song on my playlist but I have memorized all of the words, as well as studied the lyrics. I constantly think of this song because I feel that I relate to it completely. The song is about getting back into the swing of things. After being "off grid" for so long all I want is to be put back on the map. I crave adventure, knowledge and most of all I crave friendships. I have amazing friends and I feel that I have finally sort of weaved out the relationships that have been toxic in my life. I am ready to jump back into my life!! I want to be at school. I can't wait to put myself out there again and meet new people. I intend on focusing a lot on my schoolwork and my social life. I almost want to make a promise to myself. I want to promise myself that I will live...

   For the last few days I  have been itching to write a new post. I was reminded my love for telling my story when reading a post that my friend carli wrote. I forgot how much I have to tell and how much I love to let people into the depths of my life story. I crave being vulnerable sometimes (behind the mask of a blog of course) it is the only way we can grow, in my opinion. My last post was depressing to say the least. But hey! It's what I was feeling in the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.    I have recently been "slapped" by my memories. I know that sounds super stupid and doesn't really make sense but let me try and explain. Do you ever go about your life with sort of a blank stare and monotone pattern of steps? Do you find yourself answering the question of "How are you?!" with the same four words?? ("Good! How are you?!) This is something that sometimes I forget I do. It is SUCH and empty question, and in return SUCH and empty answe...

It's about damn time that I write another entry on this random piece of internet that I call my own. Picture this... There is a girl. She has been through more than enough in her life. Yet every time she thinks she leaves the dark there is a sense in her, that tells her she will soon be back. No matter how many times she's been told that she has made it out of the woods or out of the tunnel. Somehow she always finds her way back in. Although at the beginning there was always a clear end in sight, she soon learns that her life is in the woods. She is  forever in that tunnel that has no light at the end. Can you imagine never finding a clearing to look up and see the blue sky? Can you imagine running underground as hard and as fast as you can yet there is no light ahead of you? She just runs. She holds her arms out in front of her for fear of the darkness ahead. There is something interesting about this girl. Though there is no end in sight, she keeps going. Day and night she p...

I have many dates of the year that have great importance to me. You would think its hard to keep track of, but they were all very huge moments in my life. The most obvious date is my birthday. After that is the day my journey began and that day is November, 7, 2008. The next day I remember as a day with great importance, is the day my tumor was removed by doctor Jones in a 14 hour surgery. That was February, 14, 2009. After that, June 9, 2011. This is the date of my BMT birthday! (you call it your bone marrow birthday because it is a day that you have been infused with new life and its as if you were born again) This june will be my 4th BMT birthday!! After that everything blurs together as a clusterfuck of issues and surgeries. There is one more date that I have stored in my memory as one of the biggest decisions of my life. This date is April, 18, 2014. On April 18th I decided to become vegetarian. This was a huge deal for me because I had finally made a change in my life that I CAN ...

I just had the most fabulous birthday weekend! 22 Is feeling really great so far! I had a lovely party at my house with most of my closest friends, as well as some new friends. We celebrated well into the night!! It was definitely an amazing string of events! However!!!! On the ninth I went to get an x-ray on my right hip because I have been in horrible pain lately. It looks like my hip has finally collapsed just as my left one had a couple years ago. Dr. Jones has recommended to operate and replace the hip. He has also advised to fuse my ankle while I am going to be under anyway. Unfortunately this means I am not going to be able to take classes this summer as I have been planning. A few weeks ago I officially declared gender studies and I was super excited to jump into that ASAP. So yah, no school, no traveling and lots of hospital time. I am hurting a lot right now, physically and mentally. I am having a hard time accepting that once again I am putting my goals on hold for my body. ...

"Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse."                  -Regina Brett It is bittersweet to forget to write. Bitter because you are at the risk of forgetting special details of your stories. Sweet because you can see how far you have come since the last time you wrote. I never manage to remember everything I wanted to write about. Everything I skip i end up putting an old shoe box of mine where i hold my deepest thoughts and fondest memories. This shoe box has my favorite images plastered on it, inside and out.  It plays the songs that have so many times brought me to tears. This box sparkles with glitter that holds all the lau...

I find myself smiling a lot these days. I have come to a very serious realization. I have finally realized that we make our own happiness. I was searching high and low for my happiness and peace but I was looking in all the wrong places. I looked for happiness in my family. I looked for happiness in a boyfriend. I looked for happiness in money. And above all I looked for happiness in my friends. I have learned that looking for happiness anywhere other than within yourself is only going to disappoint you. Slowly the events and people in my life have taught me this. I know having all of the above things are definitely contributors to being happy but in no way, shape, or form are they the only ingredients to happiness. I am telling you all this to save you a lifetime of searching and wondering!! Don't take these words lightly, IT IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I HAVE EVER LEARNED. I have often believed that finding joy and happiness was just situational. Oh he's happy because...

Today is a day that ALWAYS creeps up on me. Every year I wake up, scroll through facebook, and see other people's posts first. It takes a second for me to process that February 4th is a day that celebrates me and every other person on this earth who has been in some way effected by cancer. Today is World Cancer Day. This day, this glorious day, it is a day that everyone is a part of. Even if you have a friend of a friend of a friend who has cancer, you are still part of the tangled web that is this disease. No matter what age you are, or what type it is, being diagnosed is a game changer. I have seen newborn babies just out of the womb in the outpatient oncology clinic getting blood transfusions and chemo therapy. I have also heard of 90 year old grandparents getting it. People may say things such as, "Well, he's already old, and has lived his life," or "She just came to this world and she doesn't know any different." That doesn't make it okay! How i...