Showing posts from January, 2014

I Am Grateful

If I had to describe my life in one word at this moment, it would be BUSY. I feel like busy is such a bittersweet word. It's bitter in the sense that I have no time for myself. I don't have time to stop and notice my surroundings. I don't even have a second to pause and feel what my mind and body is feeling in that place and time. I am constantly sorting through thoughts. At the same time Busy is sweet. Busy is sweet because it means that I am out of the hospital. Busy is sweet because it means that my dream came true. Busy is sweet because it means that I made it through. I don't remember a whole lot but, everything that I do remember is crystal clear and engraved in the tissue of my brain. Something that I remember vividly is spending hours sitting by my window looking out over the University of Utah campus. All I ever imagined myself doing was walking around that campus, going from class to class. I would picture myself sitting under one of the tall trees, while I …

I No Longer Call Myself A Victim

I went to the gym today.. (for those of you who don't know me, that is a MAJOR accomplishment.. not physically, but mentally) I have found myself a gym buddy and I am so grateful! Knowing that she is counting on me to meet her there I push myself to go, even if I want to get "couch locked" with some netflix and tea. So for the first time in a VERY long time, I went to the gym two days in a row! YAY ME! I am not just rambling, I promise. There is a point I'm going to make somewhere in here. At first it took a lot of guts to get myself to the gym. I can't exactly do everything there and I used to always be afraid of what people would think of me when they saw me struggling with an eight lb. weight. Its not like I have a giant tattoo on my forehead saying "TWO TIME CANCER SURVIVOR, DON'T JUDGE." Although, sometimes I wish I did. I don't really care what people think anymore. When I walk into the gym (or anywhere for that matter) with my cane, I won…

Starting Over

Since day one of my diagnosis I have been encouraged to blog. Friends and family constantly asked my family and I for updates on my progress. A family friend of mine started a CaringBridge account for me and every time there was news, my family posted it. The first couple months of chemo I was oblivious to the whole thing. I really didn't care. I wasn't about to go into the heart wrenching details of my new life. After all I was fifteen and all I cared about was how I wasn't going to be able to kiss my boyfriend or go to his football games anymore. Out of all the emotions I was going through, fear wasn't one of them. I have grown up in a society where curing cancer is possible. My parents on the other hand were A MESS! How could they not be? Their first child's life was in danger and all they could think about was how in the past people with cancer were known to die. The night my femur broke in my modern dance class, was the night my life would change forever…