When I Smile
Have you ever experienced something so horrible that you block it out for good? Something so traumatizing that you put the memory in a little box, inside of a bigger box, inside of an even bigger box, lock it with every mental deadbolt you can find and then light it on fire? Something so damaging that just a familiar smell or sound will throw you into a panic stricken, anxiety attack? Have you ever had a dream of your horrible trauma, that in your sleep manages to paralyze you into a world of remembrance? A world where there is no escaping the horror that you have already once lived? Have you ever lied to yourself profoundly, so that one day you will believe your own lies? Do you ever have flashbacks strong enough to relive a moment for several days in a row that drives you into a dark hole that is nearly impossible to climb out of?
I HAVE
I am someone who has mastered the art of optimism and positivity. I can convince you with one smile that I have never had a worry in the world. If it weren't for my crutches, you might actually believe that I have gone through life perfectly unscathed. Or that I have lived a very privileged life. You happily accept it when I tell you that I am doing well and I am happy. You so badly want to believe it!! And trust me, so do I. With one smile I can quickly make you believe that nothing in life phases me and that I was born an old soul with wisdom beyond my years. I will tell all you (and myself) that I have never been this happy in my life. We will both happily eat it up because it makes us feel good.
FAKE IT 'TILL YOU MAKE IT
Although this is the way I want it, I still suffer. Just because I lie to you and you belive it, doesn't mean that I always believe myslef. I would still rather brush off the pain and flashbacks just so I don't let you throw me one of those looks of pitty. I lie so that I wont get the "I'm sorry cata". Sometimes that's all you can say and avoid it like the plague.
I'M SORRY
TODAY I fell. It's been a while since I've fallen. The last time I fell was in my house over christmas. between then and now I have slowly fought the unwanted images of me falling hard onto the cement. Those pictures flash through my mind with every step that I take. It's debilitating really... It takes time to finally box up those thoughts just so that I can walk again. So, like everytime that I fall, I got up. This time with the help of two coworkers. Not only was I in pain from my face slamming down onto the floor but I was humiliated beyond belief. In the main entrance of the pride center. And with my luck, a group of people had just walked in the door and they proceeded to weave in between the yard sale of cruches, bags, and my sprawled out self.
It wont surprise you, what I did next;
I SMILED :)
I HAVE
I am someone who has mastered the art of optimism and positivity. I can convince you with one smile that I have never had a worry in the world. If it weren't for my crutches, you might actually believe that I have gone through life perfectly unscathed. Or that I have lived a very privileged life. You happily accept it when I tell you that I am doing well and I am happy. You so badly want to believe it!! And trust me, so do I. With one smile I can quickly make you believe that nothing in life phases me and that I was born an old soul with wisdom beyond my years. I will tell all you (and myself) that I have never been this happy in my life. We will both happily eat it up because it makes us feel good.
FAKE IT 'TILL YOU MAKE IT
Although this is the way I want it, I still suffer. Just because I lie to you and you belive it, doesn't mean that I always believe myslef. I would still rather brush off the pain and flashbacks just so I don't let you throw me one of those looks of pitty. I lie so that I wont get the "I'm sorry cata". Sometimes that's all you can say and avoid it like the plague.
TODAY I fell. It's been a while since I've fallen. The last time I fell was in my house over christmas. between then and now I have slowly fought the unwanted images of me falling hard onto the cement. Those pictures flash through my mind with every step that I take. It's debilitating really... It takes time to finally box up those thoughts just so that I can walk again. So, like everytime that I fall, I got up. This time with the help of two coworkers. Not only was I in pain from my face slamming down onto the floor but I was humiliated beyond belief. In the main entrance of the pride center. And with my luck, a group of people had just walked in the door and they proceeded to weave in between the yard sale of cruches, bags, and my sprawled out self.
It wont surprise you, what I did next;
I SMILED :)
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