DON'T EVER COUNT ON THE FUTURE

I just had the most fabulous birthday weekend! 22 Is feeling really great so far! I had a lovely party at my house with most of my closest friends, as well as some new friends. We celebrated well into the night!! It was definitely an amazing string of events! However!!!! On the ninth I went to get an x-ray on my right hip because I have been in horrible pain lately. It looks like my hip has finally collapsed just as my left one had a couple years ago. Dr. Jones has recommended to operate and replace the hip. He has also advised to fuse my ankle while I am going to be under anyway. Unfortunately this means I am not going to be able to take classes this summer as I have been planning. A few weeks ago I officially declared gender studies and I was super excited to jump into that ASAP. So yah, no school, no traveling and lots of hospital time. I am hurting a lot right now, physically and mentally. I am having a hard time accepting that once again I am putting my goals on hold for my body. I would say that this is not fair, but things haven't been fair since Nov. 7, 2008. Not to mention life is never fair. I am bummed to say the least but I am still living for the moment. I celebrated and I am still in this second, noticing each breath that I take. I have learned SO MANY lessons through the last 7 years. Yet somehow I still have more. One of the lessons I still have to remind myself about is that we only have this moment. We no longer have the past and we definitely don't have the future! We have now. That is it, and that is all we can ask for. I currently have the little angle and the little devil on my shoulders having a screaming match of how to look at the maddening situation that I am in. The angel says that this is just another part of my life, that I will get through it like I always have, and that it will make me stronger. The devil however is trying to tell the angel that when it comes to strength I'm the fucking HULK, and why the hell should I have keep dealing with this bullshit that the perfect little angel calls "life"? They haven't quite come to an agreement yet so I am sitting here waiting patiently on the final verdict. The devil has offered me peace in a dream that would keep me warm, where I can sip my tea and read my books in peace. The only thing is I would be alone. The angel however has promised me hope, and the love of the people around me and my family. I have chosen the angel for the last 7 years I do hope she wins this argument again. Until then I move forward with the love of everyone around me. I don't have an exact date for the surgery but it will be in May. If you like seeing druggy cata and watching movies (such as harry potter on repeat) I would so much enjoy your visits at huntsman when the time comes. I love you all and am so grateful to have a support system so tightly knit around my heart. Thank you for your love and birthday wishes,

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