A Better Life For ME!
Clearly I have had a lot of ups and downs since my last post because I am not really on that same exact path anymore. I'm definitley "on the map," but things have changed a bit. Today I relieved myself from one of my biggest burdens. It is a burden because it looks inviting and necessary in order to have a future, but it turns out paralyzing me with anxiety and stress. As someone who has defeated the grim reaper more than once, I have learned how to decide what is good for me and what isn't. In this case what isn't good for me is school. I have wanted to graduate college for five years now. It has been a goal that has consumed me. As much as I value education, it has slowly torn away at my sanity. Not only because my mind won't let me concentrate but also because every time I try to succeed in school I end up in the hospital with with some kind of surgery. Literally every semester. Since the beginning of the semseter I have woken up with extreme anxiety about keeping up in class. I dont know if it's permanent chemo brain but i become paralyzed. This morning I logged on to canvas and dropped all my classes. THE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OF MY SHOULDERS!
Now I can prepare for surgery in peace. I know first hand that stress can ruin your health. I am so thankful that my parents know that and support me in my every decision. My family is my rock and without them none of this would be worth it.
I look forward to spending my time painting and volunteering. My mom has told me since I was super young that giving back is the only way to be fully successful and happy. I intend to do just that. Right now I am super gung ho about my decision and I know I will have times where I doubt myself but I feel this is the only way I can move forward.
I want to practice mediation. I want to share my art with the people I love. I want to give back. I want to make people smile. I want to smile. I want to get better. I want to focus on my body and give it all the love and nourishment it may need. I want to walk without seeing that image of me falling. I want to experience true love. I want to share my love with my amazing friends. I want to set reachable goals. I want to change someone's outlook on life. I want to write. I want to feel deeply. And most of all I want to not feel like I am making the wrong choice.
Here's to the here and now.