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BMT BIRTHDAY!!

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6 Years ago I was at Primary Children's Hospital. One of my parent's was with me (I can't remember which one). If it was my mom she was probably laying with me in my bed watching a funny chick flick. If it was my dad he was probably giving me a foot a rub while we watched either Pranormal Lockdown or Say Yes To The Dress. They would start to make their bed on this little arm chair that would unfold into the hardest most uncomfortable excuse for a bed. I was usually super doped up and as soon as I wanted to sleep I would ask for my 50mg of I.V. benadryl so that I could bypass all the nightmares and just zonk out. This wasn't just a normal night. This was the eve of my bone marrow transplant. As I closed my eyes my new bone marrow was making its flight from germany to the U.S. Just hours before a very selfless and loving woman named Jana had a brutally painful procedure just to give me, a stranger, another chance at life. I can't realy remember how I slept that …

It's Time

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So it's 12:33am, of course I need to write right now..
Something about the night just brings me to life. I could sleep all day but once I watch that sunset I wake up. In other words I'm nocturnal. I just finished watching 5+ episodes of sex and the city with my neighbor, co-worker, and newest amazing friend, Evangeline (rhymes with wine). Since she lives in the apartment below me, we work together, we share the same love for giant bottles of wine, and could live off of pizza, it was inevitable that we would become fast friends.

I am so thankful for where I am in my life today. Sometimes I can't even believe this is my life! I have job that makes me happy, friends who I adore, and my health is finally in a stable place. Yes I still have my disabilities but there are worse things and I have managed to accept them into my life rather than hate myself for them. Somehow in this very moment I feel untouchable. There is nothing standing in my way!! No doctors appointments no pain…

G U I L T

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Guilt has been the theme of the day.  Family guilt, spending guilt, sexual guilt, spiritual guilt, alcohol guilt and above all food guilt. What a strange little word that holds so much power... It started last night. 

Who am I kidding? It started the day I was born!  I could get really into the meaning of guilt and the background of guilt and where it stems from and who was the first person in the world who felt guilt.. but that would literally need its own book. So I will just start with myself. 
Last night it was late and I was with my girlfriends. We decided to watch a movie while drinking wine and crafting. (each of us in a different art medium) We went for the animated kids movie Home. Its adorable really, all about this little alien who finds his way aroud earth. Anyway, that's not important. After having a glass or two of wine my tummy started doing that 'I'm hungry but its almost midnight' kind of gurgle. I had a very late lunch after work so I turned to the gi…

What If?

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I am not often anxious.
Let me rephrase that... I dont often let people see how anxious I really am.

I've never really talked about my anxiety with anyone. Not even with the many therapists that I have seen over other years. My list of problems was so vast that I would tell myself "I've got 99 problems but anxiety ain't one!" As a kid and a young teen I remember being pretty fearless. I had all the confidence in the world. I had no problem being alone, and talking to people was easy. I thrived off of big groups and crowds. But somehow over the years this has changed a lot. Along with telling myself I wasn't anxious I would tell myself that I was an extrovert and outgoing. My mom always  preached that your thoughts are realized. So if you tell yourself you are happy then you are happy if you think you're fat, you're gonna be fat! Naturally I adopted this mentality when thinking about my mental health. For the longest time I tried to will away my depre…

God, where the fuck are you?

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No more than five minutes ago I posted a status on facebook about how I really want to go to burning man. As soon as I began to scroll again through my feed I saw a picture of a thin and frail boy bracing himself on the bathroom sink. He stood there in nothing but a pull up. His hair was gone and on his face he showed defeat. Seeing this photo immediately threw me into a deep flashback of myself...
      I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub fully naked and bald. My eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. My cheekbones sharply stuck out of my face. My eyes seemed to have sunk into my skull. The only thing covering my bones was skin. I could see every detail of my spine.  As I sat there waiting for my parents to lower me into the tub I watched myself in the bathroom mirror that covered the entire wall above the sink. I made eye contact with myself and my chin quivered as I choked back tears. In that moment that was my reality. In that moment I was not taking things day by day, but rather,…

Slow Motion

I have been stuck in a pensive state.
Everything I do flows at a glacial pace.
Waking up in the morning takes an hour longer than usual.
I lay in bed drawing in long breaths.
I slowly trace all of the curvatures and scars of my body.
This is time I spend learning about new bumps, freckles, and wrinkles on my skin.
No matter how much I think I know about my body, I seem to learn something new about myself every time.
My senses take more time to take in information.
I react a lot slower to the phone ringing or a knock at the door.
Every step I take is carefully meditated.
I plan exactly where each toe will land on the cold ground.
Randomly I will pause and take in my surroundings.
Sometimes I will look at something that I see every day and see it with new eyes.
I overthink what I am going to say.
I plan conversations in my head, making sure that I have a response to any variety of directions the conversation may go.
Every now and then I will think about my future.
I get lost thinking ab…

Boy, Bye!!

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This year went by so freaking fast. It was a whirlwind of events and emotions. I am thankful for 2016, but in all the ways you wouldn't think. Don't get me wrong 2016 was fucked in a lot of ways! However, I might just be in a place where I can reflect on it and grow..

Thank you 2016 for showing me how ready I was to leave school. After failing so many times at something that I thought I really wanted, I finally saw that school isn't for everyone. Especially not for me. (at least for now) With that decision I made it to the Utah Pride Center. I had a new amount of time on my hands and I chose to spend it volunteering. That one choice eventually landed me a job. In april I was finally hired at UPC and I found my dream job. Yes it is a non-profit. Yes it is hard to support myself (especially at the end of the year). Yes I learn every time I set foot in that building. AND YES I feel like I am making a small difference.

Thank you 2016 for fucking me over both times I applied fo…