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Today, I hurt.

I am writing you today from a place of hurt. A place of pain. A place of hopelessness.
I'm giving you the option to opt out of reading this in case your heart, like mine, can't take it.
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Today hurt.  Yesterday I hurt. Tomorrow I will hurt. 
There is not a doubt in my mind that my future holds more hurt. 
I can be positive. I can smile. I can laugh it off. But without fail, I always hurt. 
I am trying my absolute hardest to make this work. I wake up every day with a twinge of hope that I will make it through without a single nudge of pain. Yet here I am. Day after day. Still I hurt. 
Today I hurt because I know there will never be a day where I don't.
I have felt a cold sting of loss many many times. I've lost my youth. I've lost my innocence. I have lost my health. I lost my faith. And just like gravity pulling the sand through the spaces between my fingers, I know that any feeling of hope and happiness is fleeting. 
The only thing I know to do best, is …

7 Year Old Blood

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This morning I woke super confused. It was one of those mornings where you crack open your eyes and you don't know where you are or what time it is. I rubbed my eyes and immediately felt regret. Last night I came home from happy hour at Paymasters (the bar that all the Ruby's go to after work) and climbed into bed just to warm up and I ended up falling asleep. It has been so long since I have woken up to full face of smudged makeup and crusted drool on my face. I know this story sounds like I went to bed wasted but I can assure I was very sober. My first ever hangover from being sober hahaha. ANYWAY! While I turned on my current favorite playlist and peeled myself out of bed, I decided to check Facebook. The first post that popped up made me double take. There I was, in one of my 'memories' posts talking about my BMT (bone marrow transplant) Birthday! Today marks SEVEN YEARS since my bone marrow transplant. I know I probably have a post similar like this every year, bu…

The update that has been patiently waiting at my fingertips.

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I'm writing to you from the comfort of my cozy haven of a bed, next to a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and a glass of a fancy red a friend gifted me. Between each bite, while the sharp parts of the corn wedge their way in between my teeth, I am piecing together the body of this post in my head. (pause while I take my bra off because nobody can think straight with a bra constricting them) ... (another long pause while I adjust myself on my bed leaving the perfect amount of space between my keyboard, the popcorn and my wine) OK! Now I'm ready.
As most of you know by now, I have a new job! (imagine the ruby twinkle in my eye as I tell you this) I am officially what they call a RUBY. And that my friends is major accomplishment for me. I found a job that I am really good at and that finally benefits me in the long run. (And the short run..$) I am so incredibly ecstatic about Ruby Receptionists, that I have to constantly pause while doing random things and take it all in. Wether it…

lacrime, tränen, lagrimas, larmes

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Today was a day for choking back tears.  Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you.  One would think that there is no possible reason for me to be sad right now. And one would be right.  I recently got hired at new job that I am over the moon about. I live with one of my best friends. I am fairly independent and my pain has been more and more under control. Why have I spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry? I know it has been a good minute since I have had a serious cry but I am truly dreading this next sob sesh... To those around me, you have been warned. I feel like a ticking time bomb but the clock is broken so I have no idea when it will go off. It could be anything from a neutral comment to some driver not using their blinker that could set me off. I feel like it's gonna be one of those deep deep sobs where I pull evey sad event in my lifetime to the front of my memory and then set up a really depressing playlist on spotify just to make sure I have enough ammuntio…

Dear Diary

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I'm afraid the intro if this post is going to have striking resemblance to one of my preteen diary entries.

"Dear Diary,
     I am sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been very busy."

I would then proceed to tell my diary about what has kept me away. I will spare you all the details to my "busy" life and just jump into the present moment.
I am writing to you all from my small little bedroom nest in Portland. I am freshly showered, sprawled out on my just made bed, (pause while I talk to my dad on facetime) cozy in my minky blankets that Nana and Oakleigh got me. I wake up every sunday with 'Sunday Kind of Love' stuck in my head. Sunday's referesh my soul. After a long week of nonsense I always look forward to sleeping in on sunday. Today I gathered all of my christmas presents and wrapped them. I LOVE gift giving. I can only imagine how much more I would love it if I had sufficient funds!! This christmas I feel like I am giving the bare m…

First Day Of Rain

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I woke up this morning knowing that I absolutely HAD to update you all on my life here in Portland. Especially since my last post was pretty heavy and negative. I was seeing everything through "eclipse colored glasses". Let me start off by saying that I am 100% happy right now. I woke up today smiling with every part of my body. My mouth was smiling, my eyes were smiling, my heart was smiling, even my little toe was feeling the smile. My alarm may have gone off this morning but what really woke me up was energetic jumps and kisses from Cody Joe. What an amazing way to wake up! Now I understand all my dog people. When I would wake up to my kitties all I wanted to do was snuggle up next to them and sleep the rest of the day. Nothing like pupper kisses to start your day off right! I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately. You can ask Lucy, she gets to witness my weird pauses where I stop in a random place in my apartment and zone out for five minutes at a time. The truth …

Totality Phased By The Eclipse

Guys...  Portland is AMAZING. I am so obsessed with this city. I have the most amazing home and I love living with Lucy and Cody. Our apartment has become our little nest in the city. It feels kind of odd that I am already at home. I'm not going to lie it has been kind of an adjustment. At first everything was new and exciting! I mean it still is but now that I'm less busy I have time to do things and I find myself wishing I had all my friends with me so that we could explore together. I could see myself going to Powell's City of Books with Brooke and spending the day there. Cadie and I could find the best Pho in portland. Debz and I could go out and look for accessible walks and hikes. And there is no doubt in my mind that Evangeline and I would hit up some dispensaries and try out the goods on the roof. If Shirese were here we could do a beer tour! I know it's still early in the move and I need to make new friends but my anxiety is ever present and that does make it…