Today I had an appointment with my fertility doctor.
I scheduled the appointment about a month ago just to check in and make sure I'm doing everything I can to replace the hormones that my body no longer creates due to all of my treatment. The idea is to replace the hormones to improve my bone density. It is known that once a woman goes through menopause and stops creating estrogen, there is an increased risk of osteoporosis. Since I went through a similar experience with the loss of my estrogen, we are trying to improve the damage that is already done. I already have osteoporosis and osteonecrosis and I have my whole life ahead of me. Hopefully in about 18 months we will be able to see if my bone density has improved with a Dexascan. Another side effect of the chemo and prednisone was ovarian failure. A while back I met with my doctor to do a final test to see if I had any eggs that could be salvaged or if I had any left at all. The results were not surprising, but still disappointing. I don't even have one little straggling egg left behind. Chemo took them all.
     The first time I ever learned that I would likely not be able to have children was when I was 17. I had just been diagnosed with AML (leukemia) and my bone marrow transplant doctor had casually stated that I would not be able to have my own kids, while quickly moving on to other details about my transplant. I rememeber feeling that everything I had been fighting for was taken from me. For the longest time my main motivation for kicking cancer's ass was so I could one day create my very own little family. I fought for my future kids that I would tuck in every night and read bedtime stories to. I fought for the days I would take my kiddos to dance, soccer, hockey and skiing. I fought for my hypothetical little smarty pants that was going to be the book worm, who would be part of the chess club and have a pet reptile or something. Every time I was in pain or uncomfortable I would picture me passing on my weird family traditions, like bagel breakfast or, making an advent wreath. So you can imagine how my heart shattered when I could no longer be certain of that future. (to be fair, I didn't know if I would make it to the next week but it was everything that motivated me to fight like hell)
      Slowly I began the process of accepting my situation. I thought of alternatives. I could adopt or I could get an egg donor. I would still have the same opportunities I just wouldn't have to go through the process of growing a kid in my body. I became obsessed with watching those adoption videos on youtube where these parents that have been trying to adopt for years, finally get to meet their baby. There were parents who traveled the world to meet their child. Others went through the foster care system and adopted older children. My conclusion was that there are so many children in this world who need love and family. I would be the mother who literally chose to be this tiny human's parent. I would move mountains for them. I finally had a clear vision again of what I had to fight for.
       So going to see Dr. Dorais today was not really anything I wasn't used to. I knew what was coming. What threw me off today was a number that I was given. In the past I was told that with an egg donor I would be able carry my own child. Even though I knew I wasn't going to do that, I had it as an option. Today I learned that even with and egg donor I only have a 2% chance of it actually working. TWO PERCENT!
     I came home in a funk. I took a nap. I had vivid dreams about children. I know one day I will be a kick ass mother and a bad ass aunt (josi and franzi do not deny of that pleasure!) I am already a godmother to my baby cousin and I love him so so so very much. One way or another I there will not be a lack of children in my life. I am sure of it. Until then, I borrow other people's babies to love on. All you parents snuggle your babies extra hard. They are a privilege.

This is my friend Dani's baby Dax.


  1. I love your words Cata. You will be a great mother no matter what. To whomever, whatever and whenever it comes your way it will be perfect for you. hugs and kisses sweetie!


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