Showing posts from 2016

Boy, Bye!!

This year went by so freaking fast. It was a whirlwind of events and emotions. I am thankful for 2016, but in all the ways you wouldn't think. Don't get me wrong 2016 was fucked in a lot of ways! However, I might just be in a place where I can reflect on it and grow..

Thank you 2016 for showing me how ready I was to leave school. After failing so many times at something that I thought I really wanted, I finally saw that school isn't for everyone. Especially not for me. (at least for now) With that decision I made it to the Utah Pride Center. I had a new amount of time on my hands and I chose to spend it volunteering. That one choice eventually landed me a job. In april I was finally hired at UPC and I found my dream job. Yes it is a non-profit. Yes it is hard to support myself (especially at the end of the year). Yes I learn every time I set foot in that building. AND YES I feel like I am making a small difference.

Thank you 2016 for fucking me over both times I applied fo…


Today I had an appointment with my fertility doctor.
I scheduled the appointment about a month ago just to check in and make sure I'm doing everything I can to replace the hormones that my body no longer creates due to all of my treatment. The idea is to replace the hormones to improve my bone density. It is known that once a woman goes through menopause and stops creating estrogen, there is an increased risk of osteoporosis. Since I went through a similar experience with the loss of my estrogen, we are trying to improve the damage that is already done. I already have osteoporosis and osteonecrosis and I have my whole life ahead of me. Hopefully in about 18 months we will be able to see if my bone density has improved with a Dexascan. Another side effect of the chemo and prednisone was ovarian failure. A while back I met with my doctor to do a final test to see if I had any eggs that could be salvaged or if I had any left at all. The results were not surprising, but still dis…

8 UNBELIEVABLE YEARS.. (no this isn't about Obama)

If I close my eyes and go back to exactly 8 years ago I find myself lying in a hospital bed surrounded by all of my closest friends from high school. I see flowers on every surface in my small Primary Children's hospital room. I am attatched to all kinds of monitors and IV's. There is a nurse who comes in to check on me and asks me how my pain is and if I need anything. There are so many questions. My questions, my friends' questions, and my parents' questions. Nobody really knows what is happening. We just know that right here right now we are at a hospital waiting for some test results. We know that last night I was at dance and my femur snapped. We know that it takes extreme impact for a femur to just 'snap'. We know that I have had horrible pain in my leg for the last year. We think we ruled out a tumor just because we saw an orthopedic specialist only a month ago, and he said everything looked fine and I was just having growing pains. Most importantly we k…

A Four Letter Word

What is this four letter word?  Why does it exist? How can four little letters hold so much weight?  Why can the same word mean extreme happiness and extreme sadness all at once?  How do these four letters have the power to shape our lives and change the directions in which we are traveling?  How come everyone experiences this word in completely different ways?  How do we make it last?  Some people have it forever and others never get to experience it in its truest form. 

art by: Agnes Cecil

I need you

Hello fellow humans.

Just so I don't jump into some serious news right away, I will update you on what I am thankful for in this very moment..

I thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my loving and generous friends.

I am thankful for the roof over my head. (wether it be in PC or SLC)

I am thankful for my four-legged loves, both pokey and soft. (Frankie and Lottie)

I am thankful for my education.

I am thankful for my dream job. (I love you UPC)

I am thankful for an amazing land lady whom I get along with VERY well.

I am thankful for my sisters. (biological)

I am thankful for my sisters. (kappa kappa gamma)

I am thankful for my survival.

I am thankful for my medical team.

I am thankful for my residency.

I am thankful for my nationality.


I am thankful to be in stable place in my life where I can confidently conquer the current obstacle I am facing.

     The last month has been composed of numerous ups. I am healing, it's summer, physical therapy has been …

"If I was you, I'd want to be me too"

Hello and welcome to one of my very good days!

I woke up to one of my best friends and my kitty. Does that not merit the biggest thank you to the universe?? Last night I got to spend time with one of my favorite Kappas, Deborah (also known as lil' Debz) She made an amazing healthy dinner and we sat outside soaking up the sumer evening. After that we went to my new place and watched the movie JOY. It was an alright movie, nothing to brag about. The best part was sprawling out with a box of blueberries, a huge fan, my crack-head kitty, and my debz. Even though poor Deborah had to patiently help my up the stairs to my apartment, it was the most independent I have felt in very long time. For once I felt like I was pushing myself to do the little things I usually ask for help with. It might just be the kick of my early iced, soy, latte, with two raw sugars, but I am happier than I have been in a very long time. After I dropped Debz off at home this morning I listened to megan Trainor&#…

When I Smile

Have you ever experienced something so horrible that you block it out for good? Something so traumatizing that you put the memory in a little box, inside of a bigger box, inside of an even bigger box, lock it with every mental deadbolt you can find and then light it on fire? Something so damaging that just a familiar smell or sound will throw you into a panic stricken, anxiety attack? Have you ever had a dream of your horrible trauma, that in your sleep manages to paralyze you into a world of remembrance? A world where there is no escaping the horror that you have already once lived? Have you ever lied to yourself profoundly, so that one day you will believe your own lies? Do you ever have flashbacks strong enough to relive a moment for several days in a row that drives you into a dark hole that is nearly impossible to climb out of?


I am someone who has mastered the art of optimism and positivity. I can convince you with one smile that I have never had a worry in the world. If …

Feeling Camouflage

Jeeze! Talk about writers block, I have just spent 15 minutes staring at the screen not knowing how to even start this post. I stopped writing for a bit. Not for any particular reason, I just never pushed myself to write. For a while I figured no one was really reading any of this anyway, so why write? WRONGO! Although I have been keeping up on actual paper, I feel like it's still important for me to write on my blog. If not for someone to read it, for my sanity. Since the last time I posted I have been going through a good patch. Life has been good to me, my body has been behaving and so have my legs (for the most part). After the new year I moved back into my little Hobbit House. No matter how hard it is to live on my own, it is so worth it. I love being in my own private space where I can do anything that I like, whenever I want. Don't get me wrong being home for the holidays was nice and I had fun. It's just too much sometimes and I loose a lot of my Independence. Livi…