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Showing posts from 2015

My Past and The Present

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This morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up too early to actually do anything and too late to fall back asleep. I couldn't pinpoint my what I was feeling and thinking. Part of me was thinking about the horrors in Paris and around the world and the othr part of me was scolding myself for doing nothing productive since I got out of the hospital. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my struggles and pains and weighing them, trying to compare to other's suffering and hardships. When I think in small terms I feel as though I have been through the hardest thing in the world. Not just once but twice. Although when I visualize the larger picture, my suffering is very insegnificant compared to some of the obstacles of my neighbors'. I have no Idea why this world works the way it does but you have to admit there are some really shitty things going on. The truth is you cannot measure hardships. What I deal with may seem impossible to someone else but it might seem impossi…

A Better Life For ME!

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Clearly I have had a lot of ups and downs since my last post because I am not really on that same exact path anymore. I'm definitley "on the map," but things have changed a bit. Today I relieved myself from one of my biggest burdens. It is a burden because it looks inviting and necessary in order to have a future, but it turns out paralyzing me with anxiety and stress. As someone who has defeated the grim reaper more than once, I have learned how to decide what is good for me and what isn't. In this case what isn't good for me is school. I have wanted to graduate college for five years now. It has been a goal that has consumed me. As much as I value education, it has slowly torn away at my sanity. Not only because my mind won't let me concentrate but also because every time I try to succeed in school I end up in the hospital with with some kind of surgery. Literally every semester. Since the beginning of the semseter I have woken up with extreme anxiety abou…

Put Me Back On The Map!!

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For the last month or so I have had 1 song stuck in my head. I hear it when I sleep, eat, read, socialize, breathe, etc. The song is called 'Back On The Map' by Kacey Musgraves. Not only do I hear this song on my playlist but I have memorized all of the words, as well as studied the lyrics. I constantly think of this song because I feel that I relate to it completely. The song is about getting back into the swing of things. After being "off grid" for so long all I want is to be put back on the map. I crave adventure, knowledge and most of all I crave friendships. I have amazing friends and I feel that I have finally sort of weaved out the relationships that have been toxic in my life. I am ready to jump back into my life!! I want to be at school. I can't wait to put myself out there again and meet new people. I intend on focusing a lot on my schoolwork and my social life. I almost want to make a promise to myself. I want to promise myself that I will live ever…

MEGA RANT!! (this is a mood swing in writing)

For the last few days I  have been itching to write a new post. I was reminded my love for telling my story when reading a post that my friend carli wrote. I forgot how much I have to tell and how much I love to let people into the depths of my life story. I crave being vulnerable sometimes (behind the mask of a blog of course) it is the only way we can grow, in my opinion. My last post was depressing to say the least. But hey! It's what I was feeling in the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.
   I have recently been "slapped" by my memories. I know that sounds super stupid and doesn't really make sense but let me try and explain. Do you ever go about your life with sort of a blank stare and monotone pattern of steps? Do you find yourself answering the question of "How are you?!" with the same four words?? ("Good! How are you?!) This is something that sometimes I forget I do. It is SUCH and empty question, and in return SUCH and empty answe…

Ponder This

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It's about damn time that I write another entry on this random piece of internet that I call my own. Picture this...

There is a girl. She has been through more than enough in her life. Yet every time she thinks she leaves the dark there is a sense in her, that tells her she will soon be back. No matter how many times she's been told that she has made it out of the woods or out of the tunnel. Somehow she always finds her way back in. Although at the beginning there was always a clear end in sight, she soon learns that her life is in the woods. She is  forever in that tunnel that has no light at the end. Can you imagine never finding a clearing to look up and see the blue sky? Can you imagine running underground as hard and as fast as you can yet there is no light ahead of you? She just runs. She holds her arms out in front of her for fear of the darkness ahead. There is something interesting about this girl. Though there is no end in sight, she keeps going. Day and night she pu…

save the dates!!

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I have many dates of the year that have great importance to me. You would think its hard to keep track of, but they were all very huge moments in my life. The most obvious date is my birthday. After that is the day my journey began and that day is November, 7, 2008. The next day I remember as a day with great importance, is the day my tumor was removed by doctor Jones in a 14 hour surgery. That was February, 14, 2009. After that, June 9, 2011. This is the date of my BMT birthday! (you call it your bone marrow birthday because it is a day that you have been infused with new life and its as if you were born again) This june will be my 4th BMT birthday!! After that everything blurs together as a clusterfuck of issues and surgeries. There is one more date that I have stored in my memory as one of the biggest decisions of my life. This date is April, 18, 2014. On April 18th I decided to become vegetarian. This was a huge deal for me because I had finally made a change in my life that I CAN…

DON'T EVER COUNT ON THE FUTURE

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I just had the most fabulous birthday weekend! 22 Is feeling really great so far! I had a lovely party at my house with most of my closest friends, as well as some new friends. We celebrated well into the night!! It was definitely an amazing string of events! However!!!! On the ninth I went to get an x-ray on my right hip because I have been in horrible pain lately. It looks like my hip has finally collapsed just as my left one had a couple years ago. Dr. Jones has recommended to operate and replace the hip. He has also advised to fuse my ankle while I am going to be under anyway. Unfortunately this means I am not going to be able to take classes this summer as I have been planning. A few weeks ago I officially declared gender studies and I was super excited to jump into that ASAP. So yah, no school, no traveling and lots of hospital time. I am hurting a lot right now, physically and mentally. I am having a hard time accepting that once again I am putting my goals on hold for my body.…

One step forward, two steps back but always in the now

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"Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse."
                 -Regina Brett

It is bittersweet to forget to write. Bitter because you are at the risk of forgetting special details of your stories. Sweet because you can see how far you have come since the last time you wrote. I never manage to remember everything I wanted to write about. Everything I skip i end up putting an old shoe box of mine where i hold my deepest thoughts and fondest memories. This shoe box has my favorite images plastered on it, inside and out.  It plays the songs that have so many times brought me to tears. This box sparkles with glitter that holds all the laughs I ever laughed and holds the laughs of those w…

Rise Above It And Do All Things With Love

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I find myself smiling a lot these days. I have come to a very serious realization. I have finally realized that we make our own happiness. I was searching high and low for my happiness and peace but I was looking in all the wrong places. I looked for happiness in my family. I looked for happiness in a boyfriend. I looked for happiness in money. And above all I looked for happiness in my friends. I have learned that looking for happiness anywhere other than within yourself is only going to disappoint you. Slowly the events and people in my life have taught me this. I know having all of the above things are definitely contributors to being happy but in no way, shape, or form are they the only ingredients to happiness. I am telling you all this to save you a lifetime of searching and wondering!! Don't take these words lightly, IT IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I HAVE EVER LEARNED. I have often believed that finding joy and happiness was just situational. Oh he's happy becaus…

TODAY IS THE DAY

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Today is a day that ALWAYS creeps up on me. Every year I wake up, scroll through facebook, and see other people's posts first. It takes a second for me to process that February 4th is a day that celebrates me and every other person on this earth who has been in some way effected by cancer. Today is World Cancer Day. This day, this glorious day, it is a day that everyone is a part of. Even if you have a friend of a friend of a friend who has cancer, you are still part of the tangled web that is this disease. No matter what age you are, or what type it is, being diagnosed is a game changer. I have seen newborn babies just out of the womb in the outpatient oncology clinic getting blood transfusions and chemo therapy. I have also heard of 90 year old grandparents getting it. People may say things such as, "Well, he's already old, and has lived his life," or "She just came to this world and she doesn't know any different." That doesn't make it okay! How …