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Showing posts from 2014

Am I The ONLY One?

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There are about 5 hours left until the new year.
There will be parties, champagne, fireworks, and kisses. It is a time to bring 2014 to a close and turn the page onto 2015. I feel like yesterday was the 2000 and a lot of people thought the world was going to end, and then in 2012 where they thought that too. Why do you all think the world is going to end?! This time, last year, I was dreading the new year. So much so, that when I woke up on the 1st I was upset that for some miraculous reason the world didn't end. Every year its the same story, "its all coming to an end," "mother earth has had it with our bullshit," "See you next year!...maybe." You know things aren't going well when you are begging the gods of life and death to make it all stop.
    Am I the only one who doesn't like welcoming the new year? It's not that I have had such fantastic year. I had another knee replacement. I fell a few times. I was consistently depressed. I also…

What is love?

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But really though... what is it? What is it about love that drives people absolutely bonkers? Why do people search their whole lives for this so called love? Is it really that amazing? Doesn't it mean being vulnerable? Doesn't it mean sharing? Because if so, I'm not down. I don't want to share my bed!!! No way jose! I like to spread out like a chubby starfish and claim every last inch on the mattress! If there is ever someone in my bed who is not one of my cats, it will be the day that I found love. I am taking a class this semester called "The Psychology of Love." And even though that class covers every last theory about love, nothing could have prepared me for what I witnessed saturday night. Saturday at 5 pm I was climbing the (many) stairs to a chapel. I was making my way up to see something that I hardly ever get to experience. At my age, I know this is just the first of MANY weddings that I will attend. My best fiend's sister Paige was getting marri…

How to save a life.

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This past weekend I experienced something that will resonate with me forever. Brooke came down with rufus and they got in my bed. Rufus, Rizzo, Brooke and I were enjoying the gloomy day from the inside of our cozy little house. Just like any morning we use my bed as a kitchen table where we each have coffee and breakfast. There we catch up on anything and everything that has has happened in the last 8 hours while we were asleep! You would think that two roommates/friends would't have much to talk about since we are together 24/7. Anyway we were looking at the Humane Society's newest post about a dog. We always look at their cute pics of adoptable furry friends. I always give her the "he needs you!"look and brooke is good at fighting it off. I was able to take a dog on walks and hikes and all that jazz I would have a dog by now! But as you may know I am a lover of cats so I am content with that. Brooke and I made the random decision of going to Best Friends Animals So…

Man Bun

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Today was a good day. Though I am having a slight panic attack every morning because I have a test on thursday and I have been studying a lot but I don't feel ready yet, it still was a good day. I woke to the normal beams of sunlight that fill my room (even though I have blinds). I now sleep with the window open so Rizzo can come and go as she pleases. And thank goodness for functioning windows because my room is practically a sauna. Rizzo woke me up the usual 5 times last night just making sure I was still alive. She gets a little worried. I got up, got dressed and went to the kitchen to make myself some mate in my knew mate cup that my mama brought from Argentina. I am so happy with it. As a kid I hated mate but I willed myself to love it because I wanted to be every bit as cool as my mama. Anyway Cindy and Brooke were both up and eating breakfast. Brooke decided to skip class, (I secretly love when she does that because we usually end up laying on my bed with rufus and rizz, ch…

Cheers.

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Cheers to you for being here. Cheers to you for waking up today. Cheers to you for making it past crazy health shit. Cheers to you for beating the odds and surviving. Cheers to you for being prom queen. Cheers to you for finishing high school while in the hospital. Cheers to you for getting a scholarship while practically dying in a hospital bed. Cheers to you for attending your high school graduation via skype. Cheers to you for having a successful bone marrow transplant. Cheers to you for spending your adolescence inside a hospital! Cheers to you for realizing that no GOD helped you on this. It was all you and the loved ones around you. Cheers to you for having faith in your family. Cheers to you for stomaching the fact that in the rooms around you children were dying and there was no hope for them. Cheers to you for accepting your survivors remorse and knowing there is nothing you could have done for them. Cheers to you for fighting to be a normal college student. Cheers to you for…

Just Ride

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At the risk of sounding absolutely cliche I am going to say that life is a roller coaster. I don't mean the little roller coaster that families go on to feel the wind in their hair. I mean like the Six Flags massive, scary and fluttery coaster that makes you want to puke out that pretzel you bought two minutes before. Every day jerks fast in different heights and twists. Some days are like the transition sections of the roller coaster, slow and suspenseful. Other times it is an uphill climb that makes you lean forward to help the the energy speed upward, and you know that at some point you will reach reach the top.  Then there are the moments of free fall. It feels like utter bliss and feels so right with that twinge of excitement and adrenaline. And towards the end of the ride we think, "wow, I would love to have another go!" Just to go again you have to wait in a line that is slow and hot. All you want is to seat yourself in that little car of life. And though you are …

a dedication to my sister

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This post goes to my younger sister Josi.
Josi is in her senior year of High School and I am writing about her because I feel that she needs to know how much she inspires me every day. Though she is younger I look up to her. Since the day I knew she was coming to the world I loved her. I remember being driven to the hospital when she was born and I was SO excited. When I got there my parents told me that she was actually a little kitty. Hahaha she was so fuzzy! I knew that this girl would be my partner in crime and she was mine to love. Josi has been through so many phases in her life. Believe me when I say her terrible twos were really TERRIBLE! She was SOOOO annoying as a kid, but I loved her just the same. Through the years I have been there to see Josi grow into herself. She has blossomed in ways that I didn't even know were possible. I can't even begin to explain how much she has taught me. When she was younger she taught me that it was ok to test the limits and that no d…

a blurb, a vent, some word vomit. WHAT IS THIS?

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It's almost 3 am on this night before school starts and I am awake. 'Why?' you might ask, because of my little shithead of a cat. Although the booping on the nose and the aggressive attacks to my feet would be reason enough to wake out of such a beautiful and delicate sleep, I still feel as if that was not the reason I awoke. Could it be that I had a nightmare, and woke out of it? Am I nervous for what tomorrow might bring? (which is nothing but a relaxing day of online classes..) Is it the new lanterns I put up? Are they too bright? I don't know, maybe its the wind. Whatever the reason, I am now wide awake. Fuming with anger but only because I am not dreaming in another world right now. Come to think of it that is all I feel these days. Anger. Usually its a mix of solemn, tired, angry, disappointment, frustrated and the tiniest twinge of purpose. But as of late, just anger. I won't tell you why I am angry, because I don't know the answer myself. I do however …

floating through life, is not considered living...

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After a very long time of wanting to feel numb, I have decided not be completely oblivious to the world. This past week has been anything but calm. Not in a bad way! I am doing the daily physical therapy. On tuesday I went for my annual Ewings check up at Primary Children's. I had to do the usual blood draws and scans. I went down to the cardiology clinic and had my echocardiogram. I have written one other time on Caringbridge about my heart. I remember describing the feeling of the blood pumping through all my veins. I recall laying perfectly still and being able to see my chest beat along with my heart and rise and fall with my lungs. I would slowly watch the Doxorubisin (red deadly chemo) pump slowly but surely right into my heart. I remember spending hours a day apologizing to my body for the damage I was doing. All I could do was fall asleep wishing that nature would take its course without me fighting it. But as it is I am a fighter and nature wasn't strong enough. Not …

There will be days like this my mama said

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Another day has come and gone in my strange life and I am back to where I always am at the end of the day, my bed. If I could live in my bed forever I would. You know you're in bed too much when you have bed sores… Anyway, today I woke up in this poisonous mood. I mean, I just got a kitten and she couldn't snap me out of the funk. Every morning my wake up call consists of an annoyed Argentinian woman (usually yelling) who brings me some kind of food (keep in mind i have NO appetite) and cup of pills. Then as if eating and taking meds isn't enough she makes me wake up and move to the living room. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO THERE but I have to be there for some odd reason. Why couldn't I have stayed in the comfort of my own bed??
     So all day I go about being a grouch. I have had this feeling today (only today). I just want to SCREAAAAMMMMMMM! And break something. Something large, heavy, fragile. Something that will shatter so loud people will wonder what the hell happene…

The Elephant Is A Sign Of Strength And Peace

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A week ago my surgery date was the end of May. Two days ago it was on the 4th of May. This morning it became, tomorrow. As if time doesn't travel fast enough, my surgery date was running toward time as well. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow at 1:00pm I will be wearing nothing but a hospital gown, I will be in a pre-op room taking out my jewelry. One ring at a time. I will be putting on those really uncomfortable socks that have the grippy things on them. Nurses and doctors will be coming in and out asking me questions, drawing blood, and drawing on my leg with a purple pen to make sure they operate on the right leg. The IV will start dripping liquid through my veins, first just saline, then it will be the "I don't give a f***" drug. The room will get really bright. Peoples voices will echo and everything I say will be said with a smile. My parents will entertain me by the traditional blowing up a glove trick and even though they make me laugh I will notice the fear beh…

Save The Date

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My surgery date has been set for May 1st.  There has been a sleight change in the plan. I have chosen to go ahead and try the reconstructive surgery . This will involve taking out all of the infected bone along with my knee implant and start from scratch. After surgery I will be in a cast for 3 months. This means I will not be able to return to school in the fall. I don't mind that. I don't even know for sure what I want to do with my life so why spend time and money doing nothing? Things will be rough for a little while but knowing I have my amazing support system I know I can do anything. I have so much to write about but so little time before finals. So I just wanted to update you all. I am so grateful for all your donations and messages. Thank you for your love.  -Catalina 










P~O~S~I~T~I~V~I~T~Y

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I haven't found the will to write a lot lately. I just feel like anything I say will be laced with fear and anxiety. I don't think It is necessary to put out negative words in the universe. What good will it do if I explain to you all how much pain, confusion and suffering I am dealing with?? I know there is nothing that can be done and by saying it out loud it just makes the situation more real. I am trying very hard to stay positive. I am struggling to keep my head above water but sometimes I feel myself slowly sinking further under. I cannot explain the amount of support I have been getting everywhere I go. The first place I go to seek comfort is to my kappa sisters. Somehow they know just what to do and say to make me feel loved and not alone. Whether it's Kelsey who comes and serenades me with songs from her ukelele, or Kinsey scratching my back during chapter, or Brooke  asking if I need anything from the kitchen when she goes down, or B-Pypes texting me 24/7 getting…

Change Is The Only Constant In Life

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Wow it has been a little while since my last post. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. It is hard to believe that last week I was worrying about something as stupid and shallow as my weight. Today my thoughts and worries revolve around a completely different unsettling topic.
     I got back from LA and immediately felt sad. I was so bummed to be home. I had felt like I was in my element being there and helping out so much. I loved feeling like I was essential to the bettering of the world. With each day I felt like I was single handedly solving the problems of life. I was eager to get home though because of my cyst. It was nasty, big and uncomfortable. That friday after I got home I had scheduled a surgery to have it removed. Even though the MRI said the cyst wasn't attached to anything, when Dr. Jones went in and peeled away the cyst he noticed a small cavity in my bone. That is were he found a sort of chronic infection. He stitched me back up and then I …

Hollyhood

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Words cannot begin to describe how fulfilling it is to serve in a community. I personally have not experienced first hand community service like this ever in my life. I am so grateful to be here in Los Angeles working in ways to serve people who are living with HIV/AIDS. For those of you who don't know, I am currently in Hollywood with a group from the University of Utah, helping out at some local organizations who support the HIV/AIDS communities.  Yesterday we had orientations at Aids Project Los Angeles and The Gay and Lesbian Center. Today we worked at APLA's food bank sorting donations and then we went to PAWS LA to sort through and package littler and treats. If you don't know any of these organizations I encourage you to research them and if you have the means to, you should either donate time, money or food to these places. The statistics we have learned about are insane. The numbers are crazy! I was assigned to this group through the Bennion Center at the U and I …

TWITTLES

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I have already had my cyst drained twice and every time they drain it, it comes back faster and bigger. I honestly couldn't care less about having it there beside the fact that it hurts and it looks ugly. SO along with getting a pedicure and waxing, I now have to worry about draining the cyst before I go to California on the 8th. YOU KNOW WHAT! I don't  even care. I am so happy right now. I have officially moved into kappa and I feel right at home. I was actually a little surprised when I got here and we weren't all having a giant slumber party, singing into hairbrushes and having pillow fights. People don't really understand that girls in sororities have a million things to do a day! Other than school we work, we study, we attend social events, we make time for boyfriends (not me obviously)  AND we party. I don't think you can actually comprehend how hard it is to balance all of that! May I also just add that kappas have been best in grades out of all the sororiti…

The Highs and Lows

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I will start by saying that this weekend I experienced a day that was utter bliss. This day was sunday. I usually get annoyed when everything is closed on sundays. It bothers me that just on that day we are supposed to dedicate our thoughts and energy towards our beliefs. I do not consider myself religious but I am spiritual and I strongly believe that one should be in spiritual contact every second of every day. It should not be something we reserve for sundays. Anyway, i support sunday as being a day of rest. A day for regrouping my thoughts and feelings. On sundays I catch up with everything that I put off during the week. I take time to sit in peace and listen to what my mind has to say. This is my typical day of rest.      This last sunday I slept in until 11:30. That's pretty normal for my weekends. While waking up I decided to read some of the social media posts on Facebook, twitter, and instagram. (this is routine for me. otherwise I fall back asleep) There was a theme to …

Midterms= Procrastination at its finest

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I am currently supposed to be studying for an american history midterm. Key word there is SUPPOSED. This means that I am not. I have gotten into a weird sleep funk. I am tired ALL THE TIME. I have lists upon lists of things I need to get done as soon as humanly possible, and all I can think about is just snuggling up in my bed and taking a cat nap. (yesterday's was 3 hours long) "Nobody got time for that!!!" As soon as I feel the slightest bit of stress, I give up and sleep. Coffee doesn't fix this. I've tried. Anyway, other than my random narcolepsy life has been good :) I went to see my hero up at huntsman and he poked my leg and drained a lot of gross fluid! Good news; It wasn't puss! Bad news; after it all drained and was normal for a few days, it came back. The first few tests determined that it isn't an infection but we are still waiting for some of the cultures from other tests. That is the least of my worries this week!
       Although I have 3 mi…

Still Dealing With The Aftermath

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Thank goodness today is saturday! I cannot begin to express how delightful it was to sleep in this morning. This whole week has just been a little portion of hell. I have been really worried because as of a couple months ago I found a bump on my leg. It hurt and got bigger whenever I worked out or was more active than usual. I kind of brushed it off at first but it didn't go away. I got it checked out a 2 different times and the verdict was that it is just muscle. (I wish all my muscles decided to grow a little randomly!!) After a month of ignoring the obvious, annoying, painful bump I noticed the color of it was changing. Started out red and slowly turned into a purple color. On Thursday I went in to get an MRI at Huntsman. At this point I had psyched myself out. I was screaming inside. I could't sleep all week. I could just imagine what they were going to say.
        It played out two ways in my head. Option A: "So we looked at your scans and it turns out you have a ma…

BABIES

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So recently for some reason there has been a lot of BABY talk in my life. Whether it's people who love babies, hate babies. have baby fever, or people who have ended up with babies by accident. I never really realized how much we as people want to have BABIES! I mean how many times have we said "I want to have his babies" as a compliment to how attractive you think that guy is. Or anytime you are in public and there is a couple with a new baby, we just swoon over the tiny human! (if this does not apply to you, then don't worry it will happen.) I know that mostly women do all of the above, but there are guys out there who feel the same way! In my human sexuality class we are learning a lot about the reproductive system. My teacher talks about the social norms, the technicalities, and the emotional aspect of reproduction. But there is this guy in my class who always comments on the biological aspect. He knows a lot, and he always ends up saying that we are biologically…

I Am Grateful

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If I had to describe my life in one word at this moment, it would be BUSY. I feel like busy is such a bittersweet word. It's bitter in the sense that I have no time for myself. I don't have time to stop and notice my surroundings. I don't even have a second to pause and feel what my mind and body is feeling in that place and time. I am constantly sorting through thoughts. At the same time Busy is sweet. Busy is sweet because it means that I am out of the hospital. Busy is sweet because it means that my dream came true. Busy is sweet because it means that I made it through. I don't remember a whole lot but, everything that I do remember is crystal clear and engraved in the tissue of my brain. Something that I remember vividly is spending hours sitting by my window looking out over the University of Utah campus. All I ever imagined myself doing was walking around that campus, going from class to class. I would picture myself sitting under one of the tall trees, while I …

I No Longer Call Myself A Victim

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I went to the gym today.. (for those of you who don't know me, that is a MAJOR accomplishment.. not physically, but mentally) I have found myself a gym buddy and I am so grateful! Knowing that she is counting on me to meet her there I push myself to go, even if I want to get "couch locked" with some netflix and tea. So for the first time in a VERY long time, I went to the gym two days in a row! YAY ME! I am not just rambling, I promise. There is a point I'm going to make somewhere in here. At first it took a lot of guts to get myself to the gym. I can't exactly do everything there and I used to always be afraid of what people would think of me when they saw me struggling with an eight lb. weight. Its not like I have a giant tattoo on my forehead saying "TWO TIME CANCER SURVIVOR, DON'T JUDGE." Although, sometimes I wish I did. I don't really care what people think anymore. When I walk into the gym (or anywhere for that matter) with my cane, I won…

Starting Over

Since day one of my diagnosis I have been encouraged to blog. Friends and family constantly asked my family and I for updates on my progress. A family friend of mine started a CaringBridge account for me and every time there was news, my family posted it. The first couple months of chemo I was oblivious to the whole thing. I really didn't care. I wasn't about to go into the heart wrenching details of my new life. After all I was fifteen and all I cared about was how I wasn't going to be able to kiss my boyfriend or go to his football games anymore. Out of all the emotions I was going through, fear wasn't one of them. I have grown up in a society where curing cancer is possible. My parents on the other hand were A MESS! How could they not be? Their first child's life was in danger and all they could think about was how in the past people with cancer were known to die. The night my femur broke in my modern dance class, was the night my life would change forever…