My Past and The Present

This morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up too early to actually do anything and too late to fall back asleep. I couldn't pinpoint my what I was feeling and thinking. Part of me was thinking about the horrors in Paris and around the world and the othr part of me was scolding myself for doing nothing productive since I got out of the hospital. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my struggles and pains and weighing them, trying to compare to other's suffering and hardships. When I think in small terms I feel as though I have been through the hardest thing in the world. Not just once but twice. Although when I visualize the larger picture, my suffering is very insegnificant compared to some of the obstacles of my neighbors'. I have no Idea why this world works the way it does but you have to admit there are some really shitty things going on. The truth is you cannot measure hardships. What I deal with may seem impossible to someone else but it might seem impossible to me to have to deal with their matters of pain.

My greatest fear used to be cancer. And now I have made it my bitch. (Cancer and I have sort of a Harry Potter and Voldemort type of relationship) I keep 'It which must not be named' tamed, but he strikes back by attacking other parts of me that may not finish me off, but I know in the end only one of us wins. Anyway as you well know I am in the lead of this weird battle of sorts. So I no longer fear it. But I have new fears. Try as I might, I am not a fearless woman. I put up a great and convincing front but put me in a room with a spider and you would think I was going to have a heart attack. My current greatest fear is loosing someone I love, forever. This is a pointless fear because sooner or later I will loose someone and being afraid will not help me in any way. I have lost great friends that I made in a short time at Primary Children's Hospital, and they alone left me in a breathless puddle of tears. That feeling of not being able to find oxygen. The guilt of surviving while they didn't. The times I got the news. It is the most horrible feeling. And when I woke up this morning I thought of the millions of people who have had this feeling before. I thought of the terror in the hearts of the families for their lost loved ones. I too could not find my breath. There is nothing that can be said to make the matters any better. There is no way to bring back their loved ones.

I thought long and hard about telling you about my october, my personal hell, the worst month of life to this day. But I know there will be a better time, if there is a time at all. We all greive for the families and their loved ones. I dedicate my every meditation to the peace we want on this earth. Please join me in sending love and light to every corner of this world that may be engulfed in darkness. xoxox

-'harry' (aka cata)


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