MEGA RANT!! (this is a mood swing in writing)
For the last few days I have been itching to write a new post. I was reminded my love for telling my story when reading a post that my friend carli wrote. I forgot how much I have to tell and how much I love to let people into the depths of my life story. I crave being vulnerable sometimes (behind the mask of a blog of course) it is the only way we can grow, in my opinion. My last post was depressing to say the least. But hey! It's what I was feeling in the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.
I have recently been "slapped" by my memories. I know that sounds super stupid and doesn't really make sense but let me try and explain. Do you ever go about your life with sort of a blank stare and monotone pattern of steps? Do you find yourself answering the question of "How are you?!" with the same four words?? ("Good! How are you?!) This is something that sometimes I forget I do. It is SUCH and empty question, and in return SUCH and empty answer. When did I become part of this monotonous, stepford kind of mindset. Well I have been reminded by my memory that I am super lucky to be here!! I remember the amount of shit I have been through and I remember how hard I have fought and how much I am still battling.
We too often shield others form what we may actually think or feel. Most importantly I have noticed that I shield myself from the truth. I will tell myself the things I want to believe and soon forget what I am actually feeling.
For example!! When someone asks me how I am doing, I always respond with a slew of positive sentences about how great my life is and how much progress I am making. I tell myself positive things all the time to trick myself into feeling positive. I talk about how I am improving a lot! I am going to physical therapy and I am starting to walk again! I even get to spend time in the pool. I talk about how I am living at home for my recovery and that I love being taken care of by my mamma. I might add that I have a plan and that my life is right on track! This is the only side I share with the public. But what you don't know (unless you catch me at a really vulnerable moment) is that I HATE how slow I feel like I am recovering. People always ask me when my surgery was, and every time I answer the date of surgery is further away. When will I be better from this surgery???? You also don't know that, yes I am walking again, BUT WITH A WALKER. You don't know that every step I take I see myself fall, like all the times before! I can't be in the pool unsupervised because I could really easily drown. And this marvelous plan that I am following, is bullshit. I don't even know what I will be doing tomorrow, let alone by the time school starts again!
But I still I insist on believing the things I tell myself, because if I didn't, I wouldn't even be here. And no, I don't mean in this place in my life. I mean in this life at all. I would not be in this life at all.
I wish so much that I could respond to "How are you?" honestly by saying. "You know what!? Im really fucking shitty! I may look okay on the outside but inside I am still angry. I am furious actually. I am hurt and I feel like I am unlucky and sometimes I just want to cry and have a pity party for myself! I also feel alone. I may be surrounded by a lot of people, but no one is on my level. No one really knows how I feel and no one understands. Therefor I feel alone. Also I'm tired of people telling me I'm a trooper and what not. I HAVE NO CHOICE!!"
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't. Instead I choose to slap a smile on my face and tell everyone that I am as happy as a clam. It may suck, but it works. It helps me forget what I have been through. It convinces me that my life is not that different from anyone else's. It gives me hope that one day I will find someone who will love me even with the insane amount of baggage that I have. And best of all it encourages me to build my own life on my own terms. I will succeed. I will love. I will smile. I will be compassionate. I will live. But only because, I am positive.
I have recently been "slapped" by my memories. I know that sounds super stupid and doesn't really make sense but let me try and explain. Do you ever go about your life with sort of a blank stare and monotone pattern of steps? Do you find yourself answering the question of "How are you?!" with the same four words?? ("Good! How are you?!) This is something that sometimes I forget I do. It is SUCH and empty question, and in return SUCH and empty answer. When did I become part of this monotonous, stepford kind of mindset. Well I have been reminded by my memory that I am super lucky to be here!! I remember the amount of shit I have been through and I remember how hard I have fought and how much I am still battling.
We too often shield others form what we may actually think or feel. Most importantly I have noticed that I shield myself from the truth. I will tell myself the things I want to believe and soon forget what I am actually feeling.
For example!! When someone asks me how I am doing, I always respond with a slew of positive sentences about how great my life is and how much progress I am making. I tell myself positive things all the time to trick myself into feeling positive. I talk about how I am improving a lot! I am going to physical therapy and I am starting to walk again! I even get to spend time in the pool. I talk about how I am living at home for my recovery and that I love being taken care of by my mamma. I might add that I have a plan and that my life is right on track! This is the only side I share with the public. But what you don't know (unless you catch me at a really vulnerable moment) is that I HATE how slow I feel like I am recovering. People always ask me when my surgery was, and every time I answer the date of surgery is further away. When will I be better from this surgery???? You also don't know that, yes I am walking again, BUT WITH A WALKER. You don't know that every step I take I see myself fall, like all the times before! I can't be in the pool unsupervised because I could really easily drown. And this marvelous plan that I am following, is bullshit. I don't even know what I will be doing tomorrow, let alone by the time school starts again!
But I still I insist on believing the things I tell myself, because if I didn't, I wouldn't even be here. And no, I don't mean in this place in my life. I mean in this life at all. I would not be in this life at all.
I wish so much that I could respond to "How are you?" honestly by saying. "You know what!? Im really fucking shitty! I may look okay on the outside but inside I am still angry. I am furious actually. I am hurt and I feel like I am unlucky and sometimes I just want to cry and have a pity party for myself! I also feel alone. I may be surrounded by a lot of people, but no one is on my level. No one really knows how I feel and no one understands. Therefor I feel alone. Also I'm tired of people telling me I'm a trooper and what not. I HAVE NO CHOICE!!"
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't. Instead I choose to slap a smile on my face and tell everyone that I am as happy as a clam. It may suck, but it works. It helps me forget what I have been through. It convinces me that my life is not that different from anyone else's. It gives me hope that one day I will find someone who will love me even with the insane amount of baggage that I have. And best of all it encourages me to build my own life on my own terms. I will succeed. I will love. I will smile. I will be compassionate. I will live. But only because, I am positive.
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