Showing posts from 2018

I Know My Worth

CONTENT WARNING: Body Dysmorphia  Dieting  Cancer  Disordered Eating and Thoughts 

I have officially decided that I want it all. 
I know this sounds like an absolute cliche, but hear me out.

   Ever since I can remember I have thought that in one way or another I will have to compromise in life. It started with my body. I have had body image issues since as far as I can remember. With that came the idea that I will never deserve what thin people deserve unless I fit that ideal. I had constant little reminders about my weight and size. (mind you, I was like ANY OTHER KID) But for some reason when I went to sleep overs and couldn't fit into my teeny tiny friend's pajamas, I placed blame on myself. I watched as the women around me validated what they were eating because of some way they had burned calories. Or how they always refused second portions because they "shouldn't". I watched them get ready every day pausing and looking in the mirror, squishing their arms,…

Word Vomit, With Absolutely No Direction In Mind

I don't usually have a hard time thinking of a way to start my post, but today so many topics come to mind. Plenty of time has passed since I last wrote and clearly I have climbed out of that small hole that I wrote from. Since then I have witnessed the marriage of one of my very best friends, spent time with my family, pushed myself creatively, watched my sisters return to school and hit some major goals at work. This all proof to myself that there is a way out of a dark place. Even though I have such amazing proof that the there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's amazing to me how easily I can forget that in those moments. It can be so hard to climb out of the darkness. SO, thank you to all of you who reached out your hands and brought me safely back to this side of my mental health.
With all of that being said, I am happy to say that it is a beautifully cloudy day her in the city of roses. I am being hugged by my favorite sweater that Becky gave me, sipping on an oat m…

Today, I hurt.

I am writing you today from a place of hurt. A place of pain. A place of hopelessness.
I'm giving you the option to opt out of reading this in case your heart, like mine, can't take it.
~    ~    ~
Today hurt.  Yesterday I hurt. Tomorrow I will hurt. 
There is not a doubt in my mind that my future holds more hurt. 
I can be positive. I can smile. I can laugh it off. But without fail, I always hurt. 
I am trying my absolute hardest to make this work. I wake up every day with a twinge of hope that I will make it through without a single nudge of pain. Yet here I am. Day after day. Still I hurt. 
Today I hurt because I know there will never be a day where I don't.
I have felt a cold sting of loss many many times. I've lost my youth. I've lost my innocence. I have lost my health. I lost my faith. And just like gravity pulling the sand through the spaces between my fingers, I know that any feeling of hope and happiness is fleeting. 
The only thing I know to do best, is …

7 Year Old Blood

This morning I woke super confused. It was one of those mornings where you crack open your eyes and you don't know where you are or what time it is. I rubbed my eyes and immediately felt regret. Last night I came home from happy hour at Paymasters (the bar that all the Ruby's go to after work) and climbed into bed just to warm up and I ended up falling asleep. It has been so long since I have woken up to full face of smudged makeup and crusted drool on my face. I know this story sounds like I went to bed wasted but I can assure I was very sober. My first ever hangover from being sober hahaha. ANYWAY! While I turned on my current favorite playlist and peeled myself out of bed, I decided to check Facebook. The first post that popped up made me double take. There I was, in one of my 'memories' posts talking about my BMT (bone marrow transplant) Birthday! Today marks SEVEN YEARS since my bone marrow transplant. I know I probably have a post similar like this every year, bu…

The update that has been patiently waiting at my fingertips.

I'm writing to you from the comfort of my cozy haven of a bed, next to a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and a glass of a fancy red a friend gifted me. Between each bite, while the sharp parts of the corn wedge their way in between my teeth, I am piecing together the body of this post in my head. (pause while I take my bra off because nobody can think straight with a bra constricting them) ... (another long pause while I adjust myself on my bed leaving the perfect amount of space between my keyboard, the popcorn and my wine) OK! Now I'm ready.
As most of you know by now, I have a new job! (imagine the ruby twinkle in my eye as I tell you this) I am officially what they call a RUBY. And that my friends is major accomplishment for me. I found a job that I am really good at and that finally benefits me in the long run. (And the short run..$) I am so incredibly ecstatic about Ruby Receptionists, that I have to constantly pause while doing random things and take it all in. Wether it…

lacrime, tränen, lagrimas, larmes

Today was a day for choking back tears.  Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you.  One would think that there is no possible reason for me to be sad right now. And one would be right.  I recently got hired at new job that I am over the moon about. I live with one of my best friends. I am fairly independent and my pain has been more and more under control. Why have I spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry? I know it has been a good minute since I have had a serious cry but I am truly dreading this next sob sesh... To those around me, you have been warned. I feel like a ticking time bomb but the clock is broken so I have no idea when it will go off. It could be anything from a neutral comment to some driver not using their blinker that could set me off. I feel like it's gonna be one of those deep deep sobs where I pull evey sad event in my lifetime to the front of my memory and then set up a really depressing playlist on spotify just to make sure I have enough ammuntio…