Showing posts from 2018

Today, I hurt.

I am writing you today from a place of hurt. A place of pain. A place of hopelessness.
I'm giving you the option to opt out of reading this in case your heart, like mine, can't take it.
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Today hurt.  Yesterday I hurt. Tomorrow I will hurt. 
There is not a doubt in my mind that my future holds more hurt. 
I can be positive. I can smile. I can laugh it off. But without fail, I always hurt. 
I am trying my absolute hardest to make this work. I wake up every day with a twinge of hope that I will make it through without a single nudge of pain. Yet here I am. Day after day. Still I hurt. 
Today I hurt because I know there will never be a day where I don't.
I have felt a cold sting of loss many many times. I've lost my youth. I've lost my innocence. I have lost my health. I lost my faith. And just like gravity pulling the sand through the spaces between my fingers, I know that any feeling of hope and happiness is fleeting. 
The only thing I know to do best, is …

7 Year Old Blood

This morning I woke super confused. It was one of those mornings where you crack open your eyes and you don't know where you are or what time it is. I rubbed my eyes and immediately felt regret. Last night I came home from happy hour at Paymasters (the bar that all the Ruby's go to after work) and climbed into bed just to warm up and I ended up falling asleep. It has been so long since I have woken up to full face of smudged makeup and crusted drool on my face. I know this story sounds like I went to bed wasted but I can assure I was very sober. My first ever hangover from being sober hahaha. ANYWAY! While I turned on my current favorite playlist and peeled myself out of bed, I decided to check Facebook. The first post that popped up made me double take. There I was, in one of my 'memories' posts talking about my BMT (bone marrow transplant) Birthday! Today marks SEVEN YEARS since my bone marrow transplant. I know I probably have a post similar like this every year, bu…

The update that has been patiently waiting at my fingertips.

I'm writing to you from the comfort of my cozy haven of a bed, next to a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and a glass of a fancy red a friend gifted me. Between each bite, while the sharp parts of the corn wedge their way in between my teeth, I am piecing together the body of this post in my head. (pause while I take my bra off because nobody can think straight with a bra constricting them) ... (another long pause while I adjust myself on my bed leaving the perfect amount of space between my keyboard, the popcorn and my wine) OK! Now I'm ready.
As most of you know by now, I have a new job! (imagine the ruby twinkle in my eye as I tell you this) I am officially what they call a RUBY. And that my friends is major accomplishment for me. I found a job that I am really good at and that finally benefits me in the long run. (And the short run..$) I am so incredibly ecstatic about Ruby Receptionists, that I have to constantly pause while doing random things and take it all in. Wether it…

lacrime, tränen, lagrimas, larmes

Today was a day for choking back tears.  Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you.  One would think that there is no possible reason for me to be sad right now. And one would be right.  I recently got hired at new job that I am over the moon about. I live with one of my best friends. I am fairly independent and my pain has been more and more under control. Why have I spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry? I know it has been a good minute since I have had a serious cry but I am truly dreading this next sob sesh... To those around me, you have been warned. I feel like a ticking time bomb but the clock is broken so I have no idea when it will go off. It could be anything from a neutral comment to some driver not using their blinker that could set me off. I feel like it's gonna be one of those deep deep sobs where I pull evey sad event in my lifetime to the front of my memory and then set up a really depressing playlist on spotify just to make sure I have enough ammuntio…