Still Dealing With The Aftermath
Thank goodness today is saturday! I cannot begin to express how delightful it was to sleep in this morning. This whole week has just been a little portion of hell. I have been really worried because as of a couple months ago I found a bump on my leg. It hurt and got bigger whenever I worked out or was more active than usual. I kind of brushed it off at first but it didn't go away. I got it checked out a 2 different times and the verdict was that it is just muscle. (I wish all my muscles decided to grow a little randomly!!) After a month of ignoring the obvious, annoying, painful bump I noticed the color of it was changing. Started out red and slowly turned into a purple color. On Thursday I went in to get an MRI at Huntsman. At this point I had psyched myself out. I was screaming inside. I could't sleep all week. I could just imagine what they were going to say.
It played out two ways in my head. Option A: "So we looked at your scans and it turns out you have a massive tumor and the only way we can take care of it, is amputating your leg". (obviously the worst scenario) Option B: "Damn it Catalina! Stop asking for scans and wasting our time! You are way too paranoid!! This is nothing just as we said it was!!! Now go home and stop worrying!"(harsh, but the preferable answer) After getting home from Huntsman I called my mom in a panic. Not because of the possible tumor but because the technician made me take out my brand new belly button ring!! I was so ANGRY! I had one of those moments where you sit in your car and bawl. Let me paint you a little picture. Sitting in my car (parked at home), all sorts of fluids coming out of my face (tears, snot, saliva, the whole deal). Then I started to imagine option A and how I would react. How I would have to tell my parents, my sisters and my kappas. We have all been in that position where when you are crying, instead of rationalizing we just dig deeper! We find any sort of sad thought or memory and dish it out!! Bring all out on the table and just bawl. Well I calmed down, went inside and decided to take a hot shower. As soon as I saw my red puffy face in the mirror, the flood gates opened all over again. (and I haven't cried in MONTHS) After I got out of the shower I tried putting my belly ring back in. IT WENT BACK IN! I smiled. Then my phone rang.
It didn't really occur to me that there could be a third option. That evening I got a call from my ultimate hero (my doc.) and he said that the MRI showed a cyst and that he would like to extract some fluid to see if it's an infection. We will be doing that on wednesday. Screw the cyst, I got my belly button ring back in!! I slept like a rock thursday night! Now to anyone else this may seem minor but in my head I had just dodged a big ass bullet!
So even though it has been more than five years since my diagnosis I am still dealing with this kind of crap. I am slowly beginning to accept that, though I may be out of the woods, cancer is for life. I won't let it define me but it has helped build who I am. Sometimes I am thankful and sometimes I need to cry. Either way life goes on.
It played out two ways in my head. Option A: "So we looked at your scans and it turns out you have a massive tumor and the only way we can take care of it, is amputating your leg". (obviously the worst scenario) Option B: "Damn it Catalina! Stop asking for scans and wasting our time! You are way too paranoid!! This is nothing just as we said it was!!! Now go home and stop worrying!"(harsh, but the preferable answer) After getting home from Huntsman I called my mom in a panic. Not because of the possible tumor but because the technician made me take out my brand new belly button ring!! I was so ANGRY! I had one of those moments where you sit in your car and bawl. Let me paint you a little picture. Sitting in my car (parked at home), all sorts of fluids coming out of my face (tears, snot, saliva, the whole deal). Then I started to imagine option A and how I would react. How I would have to tell my parents, my sisters and my kappas. We have all been in that position where when you are crying, instead of rationalizing we just dig deeper! We find any sort of sad thought or memory and dish it out!! Bring all out on the table and just bawl. Well I calmed down, went inside and decided to take a hot shower. As soon as I saw my red puffy face in the mirror, the flood gates opened all over again. (and I haven't cried in MONTHS) After I got out of the shower I tried putting my belly ring back in. IT WENT BACK IN! I smiled. Then my phone rang.
It didn't really occur to me that there could be a third option. That evening I got a call from my ultimate hero (my doc.) and he said that the MRI showed a cyst and that he would like to extract some fluid to see if it's an infection. We will be doing that on wednesday. Screw the cyst, I got my belly button ring back in!! I slept like a rock thursday night! Now to anyone else this may seem minor but in my head I had just dodged a big ass bullet!
So even though it has been more than five years since my diagnosis I am still dealing with this kind of crap. I am slowly beginning to accept that, though I may be out of the woods, cancer is for life. I won't let it define me but it has helped build who I am. Sometimes I am thankful and sometimes I need to cry. Either way life goes on.
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