a blurb, a vent, some word vomit. WHAT IS THIS?
It's almost 3 am on this night before school starts and I am awake. 'Why?' you might ask, because of my little shithead of a cat. Although the booping on the nose and the aggressive attacks to my feet would be reason enough to wake out of such a beautiful and delicate sleep, I still feel as if that was not the reason I awoke. Could it be that I had a nightmare, and woke out of it? Am I nervous for what tomorrow might bring? (which is nothing but a relaxing day of online classes..) Is it the new lanterns I put up? Are they too bright? I don't know, maybe its the wind. Whatever the reason, I am now wide awake. Fuming with anger but only because I am not dreaming in another world right now. Come to think of it that is all I feel these days. Anger. Usually its a mix of solemn, tired, angry, disappointment, frustrated and the tiniest twinge of purpose. But as of late, just anger. I won't tell you why I am angry, because I don't know the answer myself. I do however have some really good guesses.
The summer has come and gone like a Hogwarts owl delivering a letter. From the outside I'm sure it looked like I had a blast this summer, and at some points I did! But mostly this summer consisted of a weird family dynamic, a trip to Europe, several emotional roller coasters, pneumonia and procrastination of my recovery. Yet, when someone asks me how my summer was I still answer with the same response, "Oh it was fun! Yah it was nice to get out of the country even though I think it might have been too soon to travel..But how was yours?" after that I smile and listen to what fun, or not fun the summers of others had been. This little scenario describes my life to the T. I am always suppressing any sort of feeling that isn't happy, thankful, or positive. Now psychologically I know that is a recipe for disaster but I just can't help it. I would rather bottle things up than get those horrifying looks of pity and the feeling of ruining someones moment or day. Maybe that's just who I am and I'm okay with it, because if i wanted to tell you about how miserable I feel all the time you would know.
I realize a lot of the time I write about inspiring things and passing on love and light but I am sorry to say I feel as though I am running out of such luxuries and anything I have, I use to get through the day. So forgive me for not spreading the positive vibes, for it is just too hard when I am this tired and drained. I know in a few days I will have a good day and I will radiate somewhat real happiness, but for now I will be honest and say this is really me.