The Elephant Is A Sign Of Strength And Peace

A week ago my surgery date was the end of May. Two days ago it was on the 4th of May. This morning it became, tomorrow. As if time doesn't travel fast enough, my surgery date was running toward time as well. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow at 1:00pm I will be wearing nothing but a hospital gown, I will be in a pre-op room taking out my jewelry. One ring at a time. I will be putting on those really uncomfortable socks that have the grippy things on them. Nurses and doctors will be coming in and out asking me questions, drawing blood, and drawing on my leg with a purple pen to make sure they operate on the right leg. The IV will start dripping liquid through my veins, first just saline, then it will be the "I don't give a f***" drug. The room will get really bright. Peoples voices will echo and everything I say will be said with a smile. My parents will entertain me by the traditional blowing up a glove trick and even though they make me laugh I will notice the fear behind their eyes. I will see my dads eyes get glossy and he will try and do something to distract me from realizing that the one strong figure in my life is in fact breaking inside. My mama will be asking every possible question there ever was just to make sure she has done her best to understand what will be happening to me. Before the time comes to go I will put on my lunch lady hair net and make a stupid comment about how sexy I look. They will take back to the operating room and I will say my goodbyes. My parents will be holding each other trying to be strong and I will make my way back to the room making witty jokes and trying to push the thought of me being cut open in an icy cold room out of my mind. we make it into this freezing bright white room. The nurses and doctors will be dressed head to toe in scrubs, and masks and caps. They will move me onto the table (this whole time I will be babbling with druginess). As I lie on the bed they all speak in medical lingo (which I secretly understand) and then the nurse starts asking me personal questions. She proceeds by saying, "alright… this is going to sting in your arm a little bit.." After those words is the beginning of the game. At that point I try my absolute hardest to stay awake! I don't know how many of you have had a surgery before but after the anesthesia goes in it only takes seconds for you to fall into a deep dark sleep. Sometimes I make it a solid 13 seconds and sometimes I'm out in 3. We shall see tomorrow what happens. After all of that I will wake up tomorrow.  I will wake with a pain that cannot even begin to be described but I will smile. That is my goal every time. Then the stupid radiologist will come in ant torture me for an x-ray. Why they can't do that while I am asleep, is baffling to me.
Even though all of those things will happen tomorrow, I will be okay. Do you know why? I'll tell you. I will be okay because I have support from avery corner of this earth. I have friends in South Africa, Italy, Austria, England, Argentina, Chile, Spain, Germany, France. But most importantly I have friends right here. I have my family and I have kappa and I have my home. All these people are my army. One by one they send love and healing energy and that is all I need to get by. So to be a part of my army all I ask is for you to open your hear to the universe and picture me in my future. Imagine me working for a non profit. Imagine me at my wedding and imagine me bringing home my first adopted child. Then imagine my second and my third. Visualize me taking my kids to school and driving them to dance and soccer. Try and picture me in my kitchen cooking up a meal every night. (that ones hard for me to imagine) With all of these visualizations you are helping me heal. You will be responsible for aiding my recovery and helping me live a life that I have been dreaming about since I was little. Tonight will be spent mediating and creating safe vibes for my future. Please help me do that.
Love and Light to you all.
I will try and keep you all posted.


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