Change Is The Only Constant In Life
Wow it has been a little while since my last post. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. It is hard to believe that last week I was worrying about something as stupid and shallow as my weight. Today my thoughts and worries revolve around a completely different unsettling topic.
I got back from LA and immediately felt sad. I was so bummed to be home. I had felt like I was in my element being there and helping out so much. I loved feeling like I was essential to the bettering of the world. With each day I felt like I was single handedly solving the problems of life. I was eager to get home though because of my cyst. It was nasty, big and uncomfortable. That friday after I got home I had scheduled a surgery to have it removed. Even though the MRI said the cyst wasn't attached to anything, when Dr. Jones went in and peeled away the cyst he noticed a small cavity in my bone. That is were he found a sort of chronic infection. He stitched me back up and then I was off. I walked into huntsman with a gross cyst and came out with a gnarly scar.
About 4 days later I went back to his office for a follow up. My incision was still oozing a lot but it was ok. Nothing has grown from the cultures but we know from the way that the bone looked that there is still infection. This is the part we my mom dad and I are sitting in the hospital room staring wide eyed at Dr. Jones. We didn't have to ask what was the next step because he could see it in our eyes. He proceeded to say that I have two options. The first option is to take out my knee again. This would mean I would have a cement spacer in my knee for about 2 months and then i would get an even larger knee implant. I don't have a whole lot of bone to work with here. I would have to endure many months of pain and therapy for this option. If I did do this then I have to keep in mind that my ankle is also broken and I have to deal with that after. The second option is Amputation. Now, before this appointment we had talked about in the past how if I were to get another infection, amputation would be in the cards. I had decided before this appointment that I would rather die than amputate my leg. But after talking to Dr. Jones, I was reminded of how much I suffered with my knee replacement in the past.
I have come to the conclusion that I am tired. I am sick of fighting and I am running out of fuel. I may be really good at being positive but it won't last forever. I am trying so hard not to give up. I just feel like every time something good is going for me, something else shitty happens. I question if all of this is worth it. How many more times is my happiness going to be shot down by my health? The answer to that is, many may more times. I have to slowly start accepting the fact that my body will never be like it was when I was 15. I will never get back to that life of going to school, running after a bus, spending time on an elliptical, and dancing. Its just not going to happen. I now have to look forward and see how I can make the best of the situation I am in. I am prepared to start my road to acceptance.
I watched a TED talk the other day about bionics. This guy was a double amputee and he had bionic legs. They moved with him and responded to his nerves firing just as if he had his own legs. It was amazing. I am going to do everything that I can to get the best possible prosthesis and its gonna be pink and I will be one of those success stories you hear about. Even tough I am exhausted I am not ready to stop trying. It is important to me to know that I will have the down times as well as the ups.
I have one month to finish the semester, and then do all the little last things I want to do with my right leg before I leave it behind.