floating through life, is not considered living...

After a very long time of wanting to feel numb, I have decided not be completely oblivious to the world. This past week has been anything but calm. Not in a bad way! I am doing the daily physical therapy. On tuesday I went for my annual Ewings check up at Primary Children's. I had to do the usual blood draws and scans. I went down to the cardiology clinic and had my echocardiogram. I have written one other time on Caringbridge about my heart. I remember describing the feeling of the blood pumping through all my veins. I recall laying perfectly still and being able to see my chest beat along with my heart and rise and fall with my lungs. I would slowly watch the Doxorubisin (red deadly chemo) pump slowly but surely right into my heart. I remember spending hours a day apologizing to my body for the damage I was doing. All I could do was fall asleep wishing that nature would take its course without me fighting it. But as it is I am a fighter and nature wasn't strong enough. Not yet anyway. So I was at this echo and the tech let me see the whole thing. He explained to me what they look at and how the colors mean different things. I had another moment that day. I watched as the blood came in the the heart and watched it leave again. This time was different though.. I couldn't feel my heart. I couldn't see it moving my body in anyway. The only thing that reassured me I was alive was the fact that I could see my heart pumping on a screen. (well yah I was breathing too)
    It is officially weird for me to go to primaries.. I am 21 and surrounded by little people who make it up to my hip. It is great though because I am treated somewhat like a child again. And thats all fun and games until phlebotomist is a sexy man who technically is in my actual age range… then its not so fun to be a kid. I have never been so lost about what to do with my life until now. I really don't know what the hell to do. I know I am very passionate about equal human rights, whether it be for women or for LGBTQ. I thought I was taking the Gender Studies path but somehow I am changing my mind everyday. I feel like for now it would be great to just get some medical tech job like radiology or ultrasound or even phlebotomy.. Whatever just so i can move on. I don't think college is where I'm supposed to be. I just want to travel and be useful around the world and make a difference in some way. I was totally bummed when Ghana didn't work out this summer because of the freaking infection.
     Today I finally saw the fault in our stars. I LOVED that book. I thought it was witty and so relatable. And yes it was sad but I did not cry. The people behind me though were a wreck!!! Like jesus they could have used three whole tissue boxes in the one sitting. But I'm not judging.
     Yesterday some of my kappa sisters came to hang out and we sat outside for the sunset grilling burgers and drinking delicious drinks. They make my life more bearable. I miss seeing them everyday! I know they will come back again but I miss them so much already. I am taking things a day at a time. It's going. Going very slowly.