There will be days like this my mama said
Another day has come and gone in my strange life and I am back to where I always am at the end of the day, my bed. If I could live in my bed forever I would. You know you're in bed too much when you have bed sores… Anyway, today I woke up in this poisonous mood. I mean, I just got a kitten and she couldn't snap me out of the funk. Every morning my wake up call consists of an annoyed Argentinian woman (usually yelling) who brings me some kind of food (keep in mind i have NO appetite) and cup of pills. Then as if eating and taking meds isn't enough she makes me wake up and move to the living room. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO THERE but I have to be there for some odd reason. Why couldn't I have stayed in the comfort of my own bed??
So all day I go about being a grouch. I have had this feeling today (only today). I just want to SCREAAAAMMMMMMM! And break something. Something large, heavy, fragile. Something that will shatter so loud people will wonder what the hell happened. Even though the recovery is going well I just can't handle the broken person life. As my sorority sisters would say, "I can't. I just can't. I can't even." I never really know what that means but I say it all the time when I just can't. I'm so over it. And people will say to me, "Oh cata but think about how far you've come! Think about all the people who wish to be in your position," Thanks but no thanks. I have wishes too. I wish to we able to walk. I wish to be able to run and feel my heart beat so loud that it feels like it's going to fall out of my chest. Not just from changing positions in bed but from actual RUNNING. I want to run at the 5k's that happen all the freaking time. I want to wake up early and go to a yoga class. I hate yoga but I WANT TO HAVE THE OPTION TO GO. Especially now, everyone is off on all kinds of trips and I am here watching the same sun go down everyday. But these are all wishes. Wishes don't come true, they just remain a wish in your imagination. I have been accepting all the little things along the way but slowly vital things are being taken away form me, and it's adding up.
When I have days like this, I know exactly what I have to do to fix it. Sleep. It may be a mistake to write before I sleep but I need to let it out. Even though this all sounds like a big pity party it's not all so bad. I live in a beautiful place, in an amazing home, where I have running water clean sheets and a kitty to snuggle with. I have both my parents living under the same roof, I have both my sisters who I love and get along with perfectly. I also have my sweet, darling boyfriend. I think the universe heard my cry for something exceptional in return for all it took from me. If I believed in god or stuff like that I'd say Chris is an angel. Lastly I have both legs. I have all my limbs and I have a mind. I have a mind that I know is capable of creating some really powerful miracles.
Yesterday I was at huntsman for almost 4 hours. I wen to get x-rays and to get my stitches out. I walked into that x-ray room. I had one dominant thought. I was laying in the room that so many people have seen. Anyone who has had x-rays at huntsman has seen that ceiling. They have all seen the green and orange tracks, the red outlets everywhere, the spirally cup holder thingy (no idea what that is). My point here is that I am not the only one. Even though i am tired and sick of all of this, it doesn't mean I am the only tired one, the only sick one. I ended up getting all my stitches out and I even got my pickline out too! No more IV meds for this girl!! (until next time)
You know… life is good.
It was just today that sucked.
I will start over with some sleep ;)
So all day I go about being a grouch. I have had this feeling today (only today). I just want to SCREAAAAMMMMMMM! And break something. Something large, heavy, fragile. Something that will shatter so loud people will wonder what the hell happened. Even though the recovery is going well I just can't handle the broken person life. As my sorority sisters would say, "I can't. I just can't. I can't even." I never really know what that means but I say it all the time when I just can't. I'm so over it. And people will say to me, "Oh cata but think about how far you've come! Think about all the people who wish to be in your position," Thanks but no thanks. I have wishes too. I wish to we able to walk. I wish to be able to run and feel my heart beat so loud that it feels like it's going to fall out of my chest. Not just from changing positions in bed but from actual RUNNING. I want to run at the 5k's that happen all the freaking time. I want to wake up early and go to a yoga class. I hate yoga but I WANT TO HAVE THE OPTION TO GO. Especially now, everyone is off on all kinds of trips and I am here watching the same sun go down everyday. But these are all wishes. Wishes don't come true, they just remain a wish in your imagination. I have been accepting all the little things along the way but slowly vital things are being taken away form me, and it's adding up.
When I have days like this, I know exactly what I have to do to fix it. Sleep. It may be a mistake to write before I sleep but I need to let it out. Even though this all sounds like a big pity party it's not all so bad. I live in a beautiful place, in an amazing home, where I have running water clean sheets and a kitty to snuggle with. I have both my parents living under the same roof, I have both my sisters who I love and get along with perfectly. I also have my sweet, darling boyfriend. I think the universe heard my cry for something exceptional in return for all it took from me. If I believed in god or stuff like that I'd say Chris is an angel. Lastly I have both legs. I have all my limbs and I have a mind. I have a mind that I know is capable of creating some really powerful miracles.
Yesterday I was at huntsman for almost 4 hours. I wen to get x-rays and to get my stitches out. I walked into that x-ray room. I had one dominant thought. I was laying in the room that so many people have seen. Anyone who has had x-rays at huntsman has seen that ceiling. They have all seen the green and orange tracks, the red outlets everywhere, the spirally cup holder thingy (no idea what that is). My point here is that I am not the only one. Even though i am tired and sick of all of this, it doesn't mean I am the only tired one, the only sick one. I ended up getting all my stitches out and I even got my pickline out too! No more IV meds for this girl!! (until next time)
You know… life is good.
It was just today that sucked.
I will start over with some sleep ;)
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