Today, I hurt.

I am writing you today from a place of hurt. A place of pain. A place of hopelessness.
I'm giving you the option to opt out of reading this in case your heart, like mine, can't take it.
~    ~    ~

Today hurt. 
Yesterday I hurt.
Tomorrow I will hurt. 

There is not a doubt in my mind that my future holds more hurt. 

I can be positive. I can smile. I can laugh it off. But without fail, I always hurt. 

I am trying my absolute hardest to make this work. I wake up every day with a twinge of hope that I will make it through without a single nudge of pain. Yet here I am. Day after day. Still I hurt. 

Today I hurt because I know there will never be a day where I don't.

I have felt a cold sting of loss many many times. I've lost my youth. I've lost my innocence. I have lost my health. I lost my faith. And just like gravity pulling the sand through the spaces between my fingers, I know that any feeling of hope and happiness is fleeting. 

The only thing I know to do best, is to fake it. You think I am happy. You think I pushed through. You think that I have passed the part of my life that holds my suffering. You are wrong. 

What will my life be if all I can do is take it day by day? How will I plan? How will play? How will I love? 

How will I ever let anyone get close to me when I know my hurt hurts them? 

I see how it holds their hearts hostage. I see how my hurt chips away at their happiness. 

The only way to spare them is to fake it. 

I am happy. I am smiling. I am thriving. 


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