What If?


I am not often anxious.
Let me rephrase that... I dont often let people see how anxious I really am.

I've never really talked about my anxiety with anyone. Not even with the many therapists that I have seen over other years. My list of problems was so vast that I would tell myself "I've got 99 problems but anxiety ain't one!" As a kid and a young teen I remember being pretty fearless. I had all the confidence in the world. I had no problem being alone, and talking to people was easy. I thrived off of big groups and crowds. But somehow over the years this has changed a lot. Along with telling myself I wasn't anxious I would tell myself that I was an extrovert and outgoing. My mom always  preached that your thoughts are realized. So if you tell yourself you are happy then you are happy if you think you're fat, you're gonna be fat! Naturally I adopted this mentality when thinking about my mental health. For the longest time I tried to will away my depression. It wasn't until I was two cancers in and feeling numb in the doctors office that I was finally persuaded to try taking an anti-depressant. I was obviously amazed at how I slowly began to feel the tiniest glimmer of hope again. I would wake up every morning feeling rested and ready to tackle whatever else life wanted to throw at me.

My depression may be under control for now but my anxiety is becoming ever more prominant. Today I had to finally acknowledge it. For my sister's birthday I decided to buy her and I tickets to go see We The Kings and Cute Is What We Aim For in concert. I was super excited that I got to treat my baby siss to some live music that we bonded over a long time ago. However when it came time to buy the tickets my finger hovered over the BUY button for far too long. I decided to call her first to make sure she could go, and the whole time the phone rang I was hoping she would answer and tell me that for some reason she couldn't go. But I decided to supress that feeling and buy the tickets anyway because I am the big sister and I set the example and I needed to show her that I was fearless! (mind you that a concert is supposed to be fun! and here I was freaking the fuck out about it). Today comes around and my sister and I are getting ready to go. I took as long as I possibly could to get  ready. We got in the car and headed for The Venue. The closer we got the quieter I got. When siri forgot to tell me where to turn I got stuck on the onramp to the airport instead and was kind of relieved that I had that much more time to convince myslef I wanted to go. I was giving myself a contsant pep talk. "Ok you're going to get back en route and park and get out and everything is going to be fine. You're going to have so much fun! You can't let franny down. You already bought the tickets!! There's no turning back now."
We made it to the concert and I looked for a parking spot but even if I saw one it just wasnt the right spot. After looping around a couple times and seeing the masses of the Salt Lake City homeless walking around that area by the train tracks I just couldn't handle it anymore. I told Franzi that I didn't want to go because my anxiety was through the roof. She just looked at me and said "We don't have to go. Lets just go get dinner or something." I honeslty was swept with a wave of relief. It was like someone released the valve on the pressure cooker. I could breathe again.

I coudn't really explain to you the countless rational and irrational fears I had building up in my mind. I don't like going to new places. That's why I aways choose places I have already been to and like because I am too afraid of the unknown.

What if there isn't any ADA parking?
What if there are stairs and no railings?
What if I fall going up the stairs?
What if I get tired and my pride gets in the way of me asking for help?
What if it's too crouded and I trip?
What if someone accidentally trips me or bumps into me?
What if the fall puts me back in the hospital?
What if I break something and have to move back in with my parents and have to quit my job?
What if I loose my balance?
What If no one helps me get back up?
What if I cry in public?
What if I need medical attention in the middle of a fucking concert?
What if I embarrass Franzi?
What if she sees how weak and vulnerable I really am.

What if I fall?

What if I fall?

What if I fall?


but...
what if I fly?


We ended up having a beautiful evening. We went to her favorite restaurant Sapa and we talked and giggled like a couple of little kids. I am forever grateful for her and her unconditional love and support. Sometimes she is my big sister.



















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