G U I L T
Guilt has been the theme of the day.
Family guilt, spending guilt, sexual guilt, spiritual guilt, alcohol guilt and above all food guilt. What a strange little word that holds so much power... It started last night.
Who am I kidding? It started the day I was born!
I could get really into the meaning of guilt and the background of guilt and where it stems from and who was the first person in the world who felt guilt.. but that would literally need its own book. So I will just start with myself.
Last night it was late and I was with my girlfriends. We decided to watch a movie while drinking wine and crafting. (each of us in a different art medium) We went for the animated kids movie Home. Its adorable really, all about this little alien who finds his way aroud earth. Anyway, that's not important. After having a glass or two of wine my tummy started doing that 'I'm hungry but its almost midnight' kind of gurgle. I had a very late lunch after work so I turned to the girls and said "Pizza?" I had this tiny hope that maybe they would both tell me I'm crazy and force me to make a salad. But lets be honest, that would NEVER happen. So we called, and boy did we order! We made sure that there were a shit ton of veggies on the pizza because then it wouldn't be as bad, right? Wrong. The minute we got off the phone I had this overwhelming feeling of regret. The battle between my head and my stomach was intense. They fought and fought until finally the pizza guy came. My nose started siding with my stomach and they were dominating the battle together against my head. I went for it. What I didn't consider though, was that the battle wasn't over. My head decided to phone a friend and invite her to the pizza frenzy. Before I knew it guilt had arrived. She stomped all over my pizza and spit on it. She shook her finger at me and used the S word. SHOULDN'T. Feeling defeated I closed the pizza box and decided to call it a night. My friends left and I climbed into bed. I took my meds, turned off the light and didn't even bother to take off my makeup or clothes. I was angry, sad and disappointed in myself. Guilt was a bitch and last night she didn't let me off easy. All night I dreamt of scenarios where I was naked in public places. I was ashamed of the way people looked at my naked self. I would run for cover but everywhere I hid the cover was soon compromised and once again I was exposed...
It was a long night.
I was so tired from my nightmares that I slept in late. When I finally woke up I kept my eyes shut just for those extra minutes where I didn't need to see that I was still in fact very overweight.
Today is the beginning of the end of my obesity. I feel like if I tell you all that I am going to be working towards a healthier and lighter self, then I will have people holding me accountable. I understand that my body is amazing and that I am beautiful and that I should be thankful that I am alive. However, it would really help me if you wouldn't justify my habits with "But cata you're so beautiful that you really don't need to loose weight." I know you mean well but I need all the help I can get and that is just not constructive. I believe that by eating well and being lighter I will be making myself healthier. If you have a membership to planet fitness and need a gym buddy call me. If you want to track daily food intake and excercise with Lose It then add me on there and we can track together. We all have personal goals and sometimes need support to achieve them.
My relationship with guilt is a very negative one but I know that I can remove her from my life slowly if I just do the things I say I will. This is me lovng my body and and healing her.
Thanks for your love and support,