A Day In The Life Of A Cancer Surviving Millennial

Jeeze! Talk about writers block, I have just spent 15 minutes staring at the screen not knowing how to even start this post. I stopped writing for a bit. Not for any particular reason, I just never pushed myself to write. For a while I figured no one was really reading any of this anyway, so why write? WRONGO! Although I have been keeping up on actual paper, I feel like it's still important for me to write on my blog. If not for someone to read it, for my sanity. Since the last time I posted I have been going through a good patch. Life has been good to me, my body has been behaving and so have my legs (for the most part). After the new year I moved back into my little Hobbit House. No matter how hard it is to live on my own, it is so worth it. I love being in my own private space where I can do anything that I like, whenever I want. Don't get me wrong being home for the holidays was nice and I had fun. It's just too much sometimes and I loose a lot of my Independence. Livin...

This morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up too early to actually do anything and too late to fall back asleep. I couldn't pinpoint my what I was feeling and thinking. Part of me was thinking about the horrors in Paris and around the world and the othr part of me was scolding myself for doing nothing productive since I got out of the hospital. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my struggles and pains and weighing them, trying to compare to other's suffering and hardships. When I think in small terms I feel as though I have been through the hardest thing in the world. Not just once but twice. Although when I visualize the larger picture, my suffering is very insegnificant compared to some of the obstacles of my neighbors'. I have no Idea why this world works the way it does but you have to admit there are some really shitty things going on. The truth is you cannot measure hardships. What I deal with may seem impossible to someone else but it might seem impos...

Clearly I have had a lot of ups and downs since my last post because I am not really on that same exact path anymore. I'm definitley "on the map," but things have changed a bit. Today I relieved myself from one of my biggest burdens. It is a burden because it looks inviting and necessary in order to have a future, but it turns out paralyzing me with anxiety and stress. As someone who has defeated the grim reaper more than once, I have learned how to decide what is good for me and what isn't. In this case what isn't good for me is school. I have wanted to graduate college for five years now. It has been a goal that has consumed me. As much as I value education, it has slowly torn away at my sanity. Not only because my mind won't let me concentrate but also because every time I try to succeed in school I end up in the hospital with with some kind of surgery. Literally every semester. Since the beginning of the semseter I have woken up with extreme anxiety ab...

    For the last month or so I have had 1 song stuck in my head. I hear it when I sleep, eat, read, socialize, breathe, etc. The song is called 'Back On The Map' by Kacey Musgraves. Not only do I hear this song on my playlist but I have memorized all of the words, as well as studied the lyrics. I constantly think of this song because I feel that I relate to it completely. The song is about getting back into the swing of things. After being "off grid" for so long all I want is to be put back on the map. I crave adventure, knowledge and most of all I crave friendships. I have amazing friends and I feel that I have finally sort of weaved out the relationships that have been toxic in my life. I am ready to jump back into my life!! I want to be at school. I can't wait to put myself out there again and meet new people. I intend on focusing a lot on my schoolwork and my social life. I almost want to make a promise to myself. I want to promise myself that I will live...

   For the last few days I  have been itching to write a new post. I was reminded my love for telling my story when reading a post that my friend carli wrote. I forgot how much I have to tell and how much I love to let people into the depths of my life story. I crave being vulnerable sometimes (behind the mask of a blog of course) it is the only way we can grow, in my opinion. My last post was depressing to say the least. But hey! It's what I was feeling in the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.    I have recently been "slapped" by my memories. I know that sounds super stupid and doesn't really make sense but let me try and explain. Do you ever go about your life with sort of a blank stare and monotone pattern of steps? Do you find yourself answering the question of "How are you?!" with the same four words?? ("Good! How are you?!) This is something that sometimes I forget I do. It is SUCH and empty question, and in return SUCH and empty answe...

It's about damn time that I write another entry on this random piece of internet that I call my own. Picture this... There is a girl. She has been through more than enough in her life. Yet every time she thinks she leaves the dark there is a sense in her, that tells her she will soon be back. No matter how many times she's been told that she has made it out of the woods or out of the tunnel. Somehow she always finds her way back in. Although at the beginning there was always a clear end in sight, she soon learns that her life is in the woods. She is  forever in that tunnel that has no light at the end. Can you imagine never finding a clearing to look up and see the blue sky? Can you imagine running underground as hard and as fast as you can yet there is no light ahead of you? She just runs. She holds her arms out in front of her for fear of the darkness ahead. There is something interesting about this girl. Though there is no end in sight, she keeps going. Day and night she p...

I have many dates of the year that have great importance to me. You would think its hard to keep track of, but they were all very huge moments in my life. The most obvious date is my birthday. After that is the day my journey began and that day is November, 7, 2008. The next day I remember as a day with great importance, is the day my tumor was removed by doctor Jones in a 14 hour surgery. That was February, 14, 2009. After that, June 9, 2011. This is the date of my BMT birthday! (you call it your bone marrow birthday because it is a day that you have been infused with new life and its as if you were born again) This june will be my 4th BMT birthday!! After that everything blurs together as a clusterfuck of issues and surgeries. There is one more date that I have stored in my memory as one of the biggest decisions of my life. This date is April, 18, 2014. On April 18th I decided to become vegetarian. This was a huge deal for me because I had finally made a change in my life that I CAN ...