A Day In The Life Of A Cancer Surviving Millennial

CONTENT WARNING: Body Dysmorphia  Dieting  Cancer  Disordered Eating and Thoughts  I have officially decided that I want it all.  I know this sounds like an absolute cliche, but hear me out.    Ever since I can remember I have thought that in one way or another I will have to compromise in life. It started with my body. I have had body image issues since as far as I can remember. With that came the idea that I will never deserve what thin people deserve unless I fit that ideal. I had constant little reminders about my weight and size. (mind you, I was like ANY OTHER KID) But for some reason when I went to sleep overs and couldn't fit into my teeny tiny friend's pajamas, I placed blame on myself. I watched as the women around me validated what they were eating because of some way they had burned calories. Or how they always refused second portions because they "shouldn't". I watched them get ready every day pausing a...

I don't usually have a hard time thinking of a way to start my post, but today so many topics come to mind. Plenty of time has passed since I last wrote and clearly I have climbed out of that small hole that I wrote from. Since then I have witnessed the marriage of one of my very best friends, spent time with my family, pushed myself creatively, watched my sisters return to school and hit some major goals at work. This all proof to myself that there is a way out of a dark place. Even though I have such amazing proof that the there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's amazing to me how easily I can forget that in those moments. It can be so hard to climb out of the darkness. SO, thank you to all of you who reached out your hands and brought me safely back to this side of my mental health. With all of that being said, I am happy to say that it is a beautifully cloudy day her in the city of roses. I am being hugged by my favorite sweater that Becky gave me, sipping on an oat m...

I am writing you today from a place of hurt. A place of pain. A place of hopelessness. I'm giving you the option to opt out of reading this in case your heart, like mine, can't take it. ~    ~    ~ Today hurt.  Yesterday I hurt. Tomorrow I will hurt.  There is not a doubt in my mind that my future holds more hurt.  I can be positive. I can smile. I can laugh it off. But without fail, I always hurt.  I am trying my absolute hardest to make this work. I wake up every day with a twinge of hope that I will make it through without a single nudge of pain. Yet here I am. Day after day. Still I hurt.  Today I hurt because I know there will never be a day where I don't. I have felt a cold sting of loss many many times. I've lost my youth. I've lost my innocence. I have lost my health. I lost my faith. And just like gravity pulling the sand through the spaces between my fingers, I know that any feeling of hope and happine...

This morning I woke super confused. It was one of those mornings where you crack open your eyes and you don't know where you are or what time it is. I rubbed my eyes and immediately felt regret. Last night I came home from happy hour at Paymasters (the bar that all the Ruby's go to after work) and climbed into bed just to warm up and I ended up falling asleep. It has been so long since I have woken up to full face of smudged makeup and crusted drool on my face. I know this story sounds like I went to bed wasted but I can assure I was very sober. My first ever hangover from being sober hahaha. ANYWAY! While I turned on my current favorite playlist and peeled myself out of bed, I decided to check Facebook. The first post that popped up made me double take. There I was, in one of my 'memories' posts talking about my BMT (bone marrow transplant) Birthday! Today marks SEVEN YEARS since my bone marrow transplant. I know I probably have a post similar like this every year, but...

I'm writing to you from the comfort of my cozy haven of a bed, next to a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and a glass of a fancy red a friend gifted me. Between each bite, while the sharp parts of the corn wedge their way in between my teeth, I am piecing together the body of this post in my head. (pause while I take my bra off because nobody can think straight with a bra constricting them) ... (another long pause while I adjust myself on my bed leaving the perfect amount of space between my keyboard, the popcorn and my wine) OK! Now I'm ready. As most of you know by now, I have a new job! (imagine the ruby twinkle in my eye as I tell you this) I am officially what they call a RUBY. And that my friends is major accomplishment for me. I found a job that I am really good at and that finally benefits me in the long run. (And the short run..$) I am so incredibly ecstatic about Ruby Receptionists, that I have to constantly pause while doing random things and take it all in. Wether it...

Today was a day for choking back tears.  Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you.  One would think that there is no possible reason for me to be sad right now. And one would be right.  I recently got hired at new job that I am over the moon about. I live with one of my best friends. I am fairly independent and my pain has been more and more under control. Why have I spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry? I know it has been a good minute since I have had a serious cry but I am truly dreading this next sob sesh... To those around me, you have been warned. I feel like a ticking time bomb but the clock is broken so I have no idea when it will go off. It could be anything from a neutral comment to some driver not using their blinker that could set me off. I feel like it's gonna be one of those deep deep sobs where I pull evey sad event in my lifetime to the front of my memory and then set up a really depressing playlist on spotify just to make sure I have enou...

I'm afraid the intro if this post is going to have striking resemblance to one of my preteen diary entries. "Dear Diary,      I am sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been very busy." I would then proceed to tell my diary about what has kept me away. I will spare you all the details to my "busy" life and just jump into the present moment. I am writing to you all from my small little bedroom nest in Portland. I am freshly showered, sprawled out on my just made bed, (pause while I talk to my dad on facetime) cozy in my minky blankets that Nana and Oakleigh got me. I wake up every sunday with 'Sunday Kind of Love' stuck in my head. Sunday's referesh my soul. After a long week of nonsense I always look forward to sleeping in on sunday. Today I gathered all of my christmas presents and wrapped them. I LOVE gift giving. I can only imagine how much more I would love it if I had sufficient funds!! This christmas I feel like I am giving the b...

I woke up this morning knowing that I absolutely HAD to update you all on my life here in Portland. Especially since my last post was pretty heavy and negative. I was seeing everything through "eclipse colored glasses". Let me start off by saying that I am 100% happy right now. I woke up today smiling with every part of my body. My mouth was smiling, my eyes were smiling, my heart was smiling, even my little toe was feeling the smile. My alarm may have gone off this morning but what really woke me up was energetic jumps and kisses from Cody Joe. What an amazing way to wake up! Now I understand all my dog people. When I would wake up to my kitties all I wanted to do was snuggle up next to them and sleep the rest of the day. Nothing like pupper kisses to start your day off right! I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately. You can ask Lucy, she gets to witness my weird pauses where I stop in a random place in my apartment and zone out for five minutes at a time. The truth i...

Guys...  Portland is AMAZING. I am so obsessed with this city. I have the most amazing home and I love living with Lucy and Cody. Our apartment has become our little nest in the city. It feels kind of odd that I am already at home. I'm not going to lie it has been kind of an adjustment. At first everything was new and exciting! I mean it still is but now that I'm less busy I have time to do things and I find myself wishing I had all my friends with me so that we could explore together. I could see myself going to Powell's City of Books with Brooke and spending the day there. Cadie and I could find the best Pho in portland. Debz and I could go out and look for accessible walks and hikes. And there is no doubt in my mind that Evangeline and I would hit up some dispensaries and try out the goods on the roof. If Shirese were here we could do a beer tour! I know it's still early in the move and I need to make new friends but my anxiety is ever present and that does make i...

I MADE IT!! Here I am in my new apartment typing on a desk that I spent 5 hours building yesterday (without help). This week has been a mix between excitment, stress, boredom, anxiety and extreme happiness. And those are in no particular order! I'm not sure it has actually sunk in yet that I live here. Or if it has I am already super at home. I have always been a nester. I love to be surrounded by memories and art. My main goal is to make my place super homey and cozy. Lucy has not moved in yet but tomrrow she's going to start bringing her things over! That's where the boredom comes in. I haven't lived alone in a long time and not having someone to talk to 24/7 is really odd. I noticed that I when I am alone I talk to myself. Somehting both my mom and grandmother do on the regular. Out of all the things that I thought were going to be passed on to me I did not think talking to myself would be one..  "Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advic...

     6 Years ago I was at Primary Children's Hospital. One of my parent's was with me (I can't remember which one). If it was my mom she was probably laying with me in my bed watching a funny chick flick. If it was my dad he was probably giving me a foot a rub while we watched either Pranormal Lockdown or Say Yes To The Dress. They would start to make their bed on this little arm chair that would unfold into the hardest most uncomfortable excuse for a bed. I was usually super doped up and as soon as I wanted to sleep I would ask for my 50mg of I.V. benadryl so that I could bypass all the nightmares and just zonk out. This wasn't just a normal night. This was the eve of my bone marrow transplant. As I closed my eyes my new bone marrow was making its flight from germany to the U.S. Just hours before a very selfless and loving woman named Jana had a brutally painful procedure just to give me, a stranger, another chance at life. I can't realy remember how I slept that n...

So it's 12:33am, of course I need to write right now.. Something about the night just brings me to life. I could sleep all day but once I watch that sunset I wake up. In other words I'm nocturnal. I just finished watching 5+ episodes of sex and the city with my neighbor, co-worker, and newest amazing friend, Evangeline (rhymes with wine). Since she lives in the apartment below me, we work together, we share the same love for giant bottles of wine, and could live off of pizza, it was inevitable that we would become fast friends. I am so thankful for where I am in my life today. Sometimes I can't even believe this is my life! I have job that makes me happy, friends who I adore, and my health is finally in a stable place. Yes I still have my disabilities but there are worse things and I have managed to accept them into my life rather than hate myself for them. Somehow in this very moment I feel untouchable. There is nothing standing in my way!! No doctors appointments no pa...

Guilt has been the theme of the day.  Family guilt, spending guilt, sexual guilt, spiritual guilt, alcohol guilt and above all food guilt. What a strange little word that holds so much power... It started last night.  Who am I kidding? It started the day I was born!  I could get really into the meaning of guilt and the background of guilt and where it stems from and who was the first person in the world who felt guilt.. but that would literally need its own book. So I will just start with myself.  Last night it was late and I was with my girlfriends. We decided to watch a movie while drinking wine and crafting. (each of us in a different art medium) We went for the animated kids movie Home. Its adorable really, all about this little alien who finds his way aroud earth. Anyway, that's not important. After having a glass or two of wine my tummy started doing that 'I'm hungry but its almost midnight' kind of gurgle. I had a very late lunch after work so I t...

I am not often anxious. Let me rephrase that... I dont often let people see how anxious I really am. I've never really talked about my anxiety with anyone. Not even with the many therapists that I have seen over other years. My list of problems was so vast that I would tell myself "I've got 99 problems but anxiety ain't one!" As a kid and a young teen I remember being pretty fearless. I had all the confidence in the world. I had no problem being alone, and talking to people was easy. I thrived off of big groups and crowds. But somehow over the years this has changed a lot. Along with telling myself I wasn't anxious I would tell myself that I was an extrovert and outgoing. My mom always  preached that your thoughts are realized. So if you tell yourself you are happy then you are happy if you think you're fat, you're gonna be fat! Naturally I adopted this mentality when thinking about my mental health. For the longest time I tried to will away my d...

No more than five minutes ago I posted a status on facebook about how I really want to go to burning man. As soon as I began to scroll again through my feed I saw a picture of a thin and frail boy bracing himself on the bathroom sink. He stood there in nothing but a pull up. His hair was gone and on his face he showed defeat. Seeing this photo immediately threw me into a deep flashback of myself...       I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub fully naked and bald. My eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. My cheekbones sharply stuck out of my face. My eyes seemed to have sunk into my skull. The only thing covering my bones was skin. I could see every detail of my spine.  As I sat there waiting for my parents to lower me into the tub I watched myself in the bathroom mirror that covered the entire wall above the sink. I made eye contact with myself and my chin quivered as I choked back tears. In that moment that was my reality. In that moment I was not taking things day ...

I have been stuck in a pensive state. Everything I do flows at a glacial pace. Waking up in the morning takes an hour longer than usual. I lay in bed drawing in long breaths. I slowly trace all of the curvatures and scars of my body. This is time I spend learning about new bumps, freckles, and wrinkles on my skin. No matter how much I think I know about my body, I seem to learn something new about myself every time. My senses take more time to take in information. I react a lot slower to the phone ringing or a knock at the door. Every step I take is carefully meditated. I plan exactly where each toe will land on the cold ground. Randomly I will pause and take in my surroundings. Sometimes I will look at something that I see every day and see it with new eyes. I overthink what I am going to say. I plan conversations in my head, making sure that I have a response to any variety of directions the conversation may go. Every now and then I will think about my future. I get l...

This year went by so freaking fast. It was a whirlwind of events and emotions. I am thankful for 2016, but in all the ways you wouldn't think. Don't get me wrong 2016 was fucked in a lot of ways! However, I might just be in a place where I can reflect on it and grow.. Thank you 2016 for showing me how ready I was to leave school. After failing so many times at something that I thought I really wanted, I finally saw that school isn't for everyone. Especially not for me. (at least for now) With that decision I made it to the Utah Pride Center. I had a new amount of time on my hands and I chose to spend it volunteering. That one choice eventually landed me a job. In april I was finally hired at UPC and I found my dream job. Yes it is a non-profit. Yes it is hard to support myself (especially at the end of the year). Yes I learn every time I set foot in that building. AND YES I feel like I am making a small difference. Thank you 2016 for fucking me over both times I applied...

     Today I had an appointment with my fertility doctor. I scheduled the appointment about a month ago just to check in and make sure I'm doing everything I can to replace the hormones that my body no longer creates due to all of my treatment. The idea is to replace the hormones to improve my bone density. It is known that once a woman goes through menopause and stops creating estrogen, there is an increased risk of osteoporosis. Since I went through a similar experience with the loss of my estrogen, we are trying to improve the damage that is already done. I already have osteoporosis and osteonecrosis and I have my whole life ahead of me. Hopefully in about 18 months we will be able to see if my bone density has improved with a Dexascan. Another side effect of the chemo and prednisone was ovarian failure. A while back I met with my doctor to do a final test to see if I had any eggs that could be salvaged or if I had any left at all. The results were not surprising...